Always

forty-four

K Y L E R
"Cause only you could fill this empty space.
How could I make you love me?"

Isn't it funny how words can so easily crush you? How one moment can completely change everything for you, in ways you had never imagined? So dramatically and abruptly your entire universe shifts in an unimaginable way and you're just standing there trying to figure out what's going on.

That's exactly what happened yesterday.

I never imagined that my actions would have such a horrible consequence. I never imagined that I would see that side of my girl or hear those words come out of her mouth. And I definitely didn't expect to feel this much pain because of those words.

But I did. I felt that crushing pain.

As much as I didn't want to admit it, it hurt. It hurt more than I had ever imagined it would. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest again and again and again. And I didn't know how to make it stop.

It was a horrible feeling; that pain in my chest. It was unlike anything I was used to feeling. The constant stinging pain around my heart, mixed with the haziness in my head, seemed so foreign to me.

Maybe that's exactly what happens when you wear your heart on your sleeve. Maybe that's what happens when you yank your heart out and place it in another's palm, without a second thought of whether they'd keep it safe or not.

Maybe I should have been more careful. Maybe I shouldn't have given it to her in the first place.

But no matter how hard I tried to hate her for hurting me in this way, I just couldn't. I couldn't even think of detesting her because no matter how many times she ripped me apart, my heart still belonged to her. I still belonged to her.

That's what it's like to love someone, right? You just can't stay mad at them. You just can't hate them, no matter how much they hurt you. Because at the end of the day, you're still madly in love with them and you don't care if this would tear you apart forever.

Love.

I had experienced it before. With Mads. But for some reason, compared to what I felt for Luna, everything with Madison seemed incredibly fake. And I didn't realize that until now. And I wanted to scream it at the top of my lungs. I wanted the whole world to know that I was truly and completely in love with the most perfect girl to ever exist.

But most importantly, I wanted to tell Luna. I wanted her to know how much she meant to me. I wanted her to know how I'd risk anything and everything for her. I wanted her to know that I never meant to hurt her. I wanted her to know that I was madly in love with her.

But something in me was constantly screaming that it would be of no use. That she wouldn't listen. That she wouldn't care.

But the other bold and determined part of me was yelling at me to do it. And for some reason, both my aching heart and fuzzy mind decided to lean towards this option.

I had to tell her. I had to.

Even if she doesn't say it back, I will at least have the satisfaction of knowing that I had expressed those eight letters to her. At least she would know where I stood when it came to my feelings.