Always

forty-two

K Y L E R
"If all it is is eight letters,
why is it so hard to say?"

How can someone so kind and beautiful and perfect be the subject of so much pain?

That one thought circled in my head as I held Luna's small frame in my arms. The way her body rested on mine and the way my arms fit around her made something in me ache slightly.

Not a painful ache, I realised, but one of longing. But I didn't know what I was longing for. 

Longing. It was a weird feeling, to say the least. It was weird, simply because I wasn't sure why my heart hurt this much or why my hands itched. I wasn't sure why my tongue felt dry or why it felt like red tulips were blossoming in the pit of my stomach. I wasn't sure about anything I felt in that moment and I so badly wanted to be sure.

My hand gently stroked the back of Luna's head, fingers tangling slightly at the ends of her hair. She smelled of a familiar, sweet scent mixed with the smell of chocolate and a small smile twitched on my lips. Pulling her closer to my chest, I leaned back slightly so she was now laying on my chest and I inhaled a sharp breath.

"When I was twelve," I began. "I came home from school with a very bad test in hand. As much as I wanted to hide it, I couldn't. And when my dad found out, he got so mad."

I didn't know why I was telling her all this at this moment but it's just felt right. It felt right to explain to her all of this. It felt right opening up about a huge part of my past. A huge part of my life.

"I remember my mom tried to stop him." My arms tightened around Luna slightly and I stared out in the distance, but still feeling her eyes on me. "But he didn't listen to anyone. Not me, and not my mom.

"I blamed myself for his anger. If I had done good on that test he wouldn't have hurt me. He wouldn't have hurt mom." I inhaled shakily. My jaw hurt from how tightly I had clenched it. "But it continued, even on occasions when I wasn't at fault. And even though I know that, I still blamed myself. I guess it was the fact that my very own father blamed me, so he had to be right."

Dragging my eyes back to Luna, I saw her leaning up slightly so she could look me in the eye. A frown danced on her face, her eyes laced with both sadness and worry and her lips tugged down.

"Kyler." She whispered softly. One slightly cold hand reached up to rest on my face, stroking my jaw gently. The small action made me relax slight and my face softened as I stared at Luna.

"He wasn't right, Luna. And it took me so long to realise that. It took me so long to stop hating myself." Reaching up, I took ahold of Luna's hand, tangling our fingers before bringing hers up to my lips.

"You can't blame yourself for someone else's mistakes." Her eyes snapped up to meet mine and and an unreadable look passed those jade coloured orbs. "What your father did was not your fault, but his own. You need to stop blaming yourself for it."

She shook her head. "I don't know how to do anything but that."

My heart cracked at that. "That's because you don't know what exactly happened, right? You don't know why your father decided to leave because you haven't even talked to him." Reaching out, I pressed a hand to her cheek. "You need to talk to him. You need answers."