Always

fifty-four

L U N A
"And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad.
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."

Waking up wasn't something I had wanted or expected.

It caused a feeling of fear and disappointment to spread through me even before the haziness in my mind cleared up. That fogginess lasted for only a few seconds and then, reality struck me, catching me like a maniac jumping in front of a train. The feeling of despair and the fright all intensified in the matter of milliseconds when I realized that I was actually awake.

I had failed.

As soon as that realization kicked in, the tears came. I didn't seem to have any control over them as they spilled out of my eyes and rolled down my cheeks and neither could I stop the sobs from coming. All that self-hatred and anger towards myself for not succeeding made my chest constrict and sobs racked through my trembling body.

"No, no, no." I whispered, my voice thick with tears. I tried frantically pushing myself up into a seating position, not caring about the pain it was putting me in. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to leave. And I had tried to do just that but I failed. I fucking failed and now I had to deal with all of this all over again. "No, this wasn't supposed to happen!"

I couldn't stop the harsh sobs which shook my entire body, making my head feel incredibly fuzzy. Frantically, I looked down at myself and tried yanking the irritating tube out of my nose and the ridiculous wires attached all over my chest and stomach and arms. I didn't want this. I didn't want any of these chemicals being pumped in me. I didn't want them keeping me alive.

I didn't want to be saved.

The beeping of the machines around me started going crazy and I felt like I was about to go insane from that noise. I felt gentle hands pull mine away from the wires and someone wrapped their arms around me. I knew from the faint scent of peppermint and hot chocolate that it was Kyler and that made me cry even harder against him because he didn't deserve to be here with me.

Weakly, I pushed him away from me, not wanting him to hug me. I didn't want anyone touching me. I didn't want anyone near me. No one deserved to be near me. Especially not Kyler. He shouldn't be here. He should be with someone who deserves him, someone who wouldn't inflict so much pain on him.

"Luna, it's going to be-"

"No!" I cut him off, still crying hysterically. "No, it's not going to be okay."

I didn't want to be okay. I didn't want to be anything. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to exist.

I was a waste of space. A selfish waste of space. I couldn't help anyone. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't do anything right. I couldn't even kill myself right.

I began tugging at the tube in my nose again, ignoring Kyler's attempts to stop me. I didn't want this. I didn't want this. I didn't want this.

The sound of the door opening and hurried footsteps could be heard over the crazy beeping of the machines and my loud sobs, but I didn't care to look up to see who it was. I didn't care.

Only when someone physically gripped me and pulled my hands away from the tubes did I actually look up, and my sobs intensified. The doctors yelled orders at the nurses but I didn't care to hear what they were saying. All I cared about was twisting my arms out of Kyler's strong grip.

My panic increased by each passing second and I continued to whine and struggle helplessly against him but he didn't let go. Each soft murmur from him made me cry much harder.