My travel log 5

Happy Chinese New Year

Yesterday was Chinese New Year and it's the year of the rat. That's my year because I was born in 1996. The last time when it was the year of the rat was the year we elect the first African American president. I was in 6th grade, 12 years old. Now I am going to be 24 in October.

Today after so many times of trying to plan of when Josh will come out here he finally did. This would be plan F. He came here at noon and I treated him to lunch at Dunkins. I bought him a hot chocolate and a beyond sausage. I gotten my hot chocolate and a bagel with cream cheese. It was nice and we were talking. Then went back to my house and went into my room. He helped me a little with my guitar. I am trying to learn Can't help falling in love with you by Elvis Presley for him for Valentine's Day. It wold have been our one year anniversary too but because we are not together right now it can't be and that still breaks my heart. I'm honestly not expecting much for Valentine's Day this year but who knows. He might surprise me. It was fun and I told him don't hesitate to adjust my fingers on the guitar. When I go to guitar 101 Jeff would do that so I can do the chords correctly. I let him played the song and it brought tears in my eyes. It's hard not to get emotional whenever I hear him sing, He also sang the song that he is writing for his song written class about his journey. He's impressive and super talented and the reason why I love him so much. Then we watched a few episodes of the Mandalorian on Disney+. It was good and we planned on watching more of it together another time. Then we went to Wun Wung Restaurant. It's a Chinese Restaurant close to my house. We walked there. Because he had to drive home we didn't order a scorpian bowl. I gotten water innstead and he gotten a coke. Then we ordered a Pu Pu Platter. I had all the crab Rangoons (4) and he had the rest. Of course we box the rest of the food for my parents because he couldn't finish it. We had a good time and it was funny. Josh then treated me to dessert at Yo Way which is a frozen yogurt place next door. (I treated him there last time when we first went there) I gotten some froen yogurt with a lot of toppings on it. We didn't talk much but I did try to express how I feel about wanting to call this a date because it felt like a date but it's not because we're not together. I also tried to talk about Valentine's Day and how I feel about it but honestly I don't think he'll remember what I say by then. I don't expect much this year. I told him last year was the best Valentine's Day ever for me. He walked me home and I wanted to kiss him but didn't. We just hug and I wasn't in a good enough position where I could just kiss on him the cheek in the moment. 

It was still a great day but it hurts because of how much I love him still and the way he looks at me is the same way he had always looked at me. Like if he is looking into my soul. I love the way he looks at me and that's how I know he still feel the same way about me but I am trying not  to push it because I know he's afraid of us not working out and for losing our friendship because of it. I don't think that would happen because I do believe we are meant to be but I do understand how he fear. I'm afraid too of how I feel for him. He is my everything. He is my best friend. He is my hero and he is my inspiration. He makes me see what he see in me. He's amazing and I don't deserve him. No man has ever treated me like how he treats me. He is never in a rush to end end the date. He is always finding way to spend longer time with me. Like today he made sure I am not hungry anymore and that I had something else to eat. He is a sweetheart and that's why he is still my Valentine. I decided that I will get him something from Walgreens or CVS because this is how I feel. I told him that I would like for him to make the first move because of how much I liked that I made the first move in telling him how I feel last year I don't want to feel like I am always the one who makes the first move. 

Because this will be the last time he will see me before Valentine's Day, he will the day after, I'm done. I'm not going to try to convince him to resume our relationship because there is no way at this point. When we are together again it will be more likely be after Valentine's Day and that means to me our last relationship did end and it would be a new relationship. A new beginning. But again I don't know. This is just how I feel and it's easier writing it out then telling him because when I do try to tell him how I feel I get emotional and it never comes out the way I think it in my head. 

What I want for Valentine's Day if it matters: 

On Valentine's Day him texting me "Happy Valentine's Day, I love you." 

Then later that day we Facetime and we act cute and in love. 

Then the next day he comes to see me because the actual Valentine's Day he won't be able to because he has classes in the afternoon. He comes to my house and we first go inside to exchange our Valentine's Day gifts. Then he tell me he wants us to go to Skylight. (That's a roller skating place here). Then go to Showcase Cinema to see a movie. 

If he doesn't come out that Saturday but he does that Sunday then I hope we will go slading together. 

I had told him a while ago that I don't want to go anywhere special for Valentine's Day and just stay in my room and watch a few movies because I feel if I would go out with him and not call it a date then that will hurt and this is to safe me from the pain of knowing that it's not going to be date. I would also love for us to kiss for the first time since July. That would make it special but I don't know what will happen and I can't think about it anymore or else I will cry. 

I don't want to make him feel like he has to do any of this. I don't want to pressure him. It is up to him if he wants to surprise me. I just want to feel like he would choose me like how I choice him. I don't want to repeat what happen with Said. With him I was the one to make the first move after months we were broken up and that didn't go well since he kept our relationship a secret. That's why I really want him to be the one to confess his feelings to me and to decide this is a date. I just want to feel special like how he has always make me feel special.