My travel log 5

Happy Valentine's Day...NOT

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. It was kind of hard for me because my Valentine is in Salem and I am here in Worcester. I have also been thinking about that Disney program so I watched a couple of videos of some girl talking about her experiences and the application process. (I decided I may not take the opportunity after all because my mom told me she isn't going to drive me to Florida and that I'll have to take the plane. I am afraid of going through security like what happen last time even though I would be prepared now) Anyways, then I watched one of the videos I made with Josh around this time last year. It made me to cry and I went through an emotional spiral because it was Valentine's Day and not only there is the distance but also we are not together. I texted him Happy Valentine's Day and then for the heck of it I texted him "I love you so much" because it was Valentine's Day and I been wanting to tell him that for a long time but been afraid to because we are not together right now. Officially we have only been together for 5 months. It was also especially harder because it was suppose to be our one year anniversary. I was ok with not having it as an anniversary because we have made good progress with being just friends for now and I thought maybe it was a good idea for not resuming the relationship and that if we would be together then it should happen after Valentine's Day. Because I realized the problem with both my relationships with Said and Edgar. I resumed the relationship and continued well we left off. I figured if we are going to last then it should be a new relationship. Anyways, I'm okay that its just a Valentine's Day and I was looking for today with Josh. 

I went to the cafeteria feeling depress and not feeling like doing anything. I met a new friend and I added him on my snap chat. Then I went to class. I took notes in both of my classes and that made me feel a little better. Then I noticed that Josh texted me. He texted "Happy Valentine's Day!!" and that made me to smile. Then I decided to skip the disabilities awareness and advocacy club and took the bus to the hub. I also wanted to go to Kiva early but decided I didn't feel like it so I went straight home. Then at 8:00 Josh facetime me. We talked for an hour and I asked him if he is able to come here tomorrow. He told me yes and so we continued talking. I kept smiling because of the way he was looking at me and how excited I was. I had a dilemma about our plans and needed him to help me figure it out. We did and it seemed like we have an exciting day ahead of us. We hung up and then in a couple of hours I went to bed feeling good. I trusted him and I couldn't wait to see him. 

This morning I woke up at 8. That's also the time Josh was suppose to leave Salem to drive to see me for 10:00. Half an hour later he texted me "Can I tell you something important?" I texted back "What is it? Are you still on your way?" I waited but I had a hard time to wait because my heart was racing because of past relationships. Then he told me that there have been a lot of pressure and he has a lot of commitments. He won't be able to come here. I was like seriously? I was crying and I told him that he should have told me this last night. He told me he had forgotten and just remembered. I was crying and I asked what about tomorrow? He told me he doesn't know. There is no guaranteed. This upset me even more and I kept talking about today and how he should have told me last night. He then told me he will come and hung up because I could say anything else. I told my dad about all that then gotten a text of what he had told me over the phone so I wasn't sure if it came in late or what. I waited for him until 10:30 and he never came. In that time I had sent him messages through text, Facebook, Snap Chat, and Instagram. I had also called him a few times and left him voice message. My dad told me a couple of things to text him about how it's not nice to ghost someone and that he isn't happy with him. 

This is kinda like what happen a couple of weekends ago. That was the weekend when we didn't facetime at all for the first time. That Friday was because he got home late. Saturday was because something was going on that made him feel like not talking to him and Sunday he didn't talk to me at all. I knew he was with his parents skiing that day because of Facebook. He did a few days later an apologized and finally did told me some detail of what is going on. Then we were able to Facetime that Friday and last night. 

That's the problem with him. I love him so much and I been trying to wait for him and to be patient and understanding but he should have told me that he wasn't able to see me today, last night when I asked him if he is able to. Because of this I came to a decision of what I want to do going forward. I still love him so much but my heart is literally heartbroken. I don't know if I will see him at all this weekend since it's a three day weekend. I do know that giving him time he will text me again in a few days to apologized and tell me what is being going on like he did last time. My point is I expect him to be honest with me and have good communication. I thought he learned from his mistake of not communicating with me back in July but I guess not. I thought we made progress and that we have a chance to be together again and have a new relationship putting our old relationship in the past. I do hope I will get to have this conversation with him about honesty because we do need to talk. 

I decided that I'm done with him. He is obviously too busy to see me either as a boyfriend or even as a friend. We had a great run that started way to fast but ended just as fast as when it started. This isn't me giving up of ever being in a relationship again but it is that I am done pining over him. I need a break from him and I need to talk to him about all of this. I love him so much but it hurts too much to talk to him. Maybe for right now I should just let it go and we will be together either over the summer or whenever I am able to come back to Salem and live there. Obviously the long distance was too much for us and if I had stayed at Salem none of this would be happening. I had a great Valentine's Day last year but now I feel that, that was a mistake. Maybe I shouldn't have told him how I feel. Maybe I should have just had that last semester single knowing that I was going back home in Worcester? I don't know anymore. I know because I did told him we had continued to talk even after I graduated and saw each other. I just wanted to tell him then because I didn't know when I will be back or if he would be single to date me. 

I'm just done with all of this and I hate Valentine's day. This was the worst Valentine's Day ever. Whenever he does decide to text me and apologize and let me know what is going on I will tell him we need to talk. It's a shame on the candies I bought for him because I knew he would like it. I guess if I don't here from him by Monday I will just eat them up. The Kitkats and the Warheads. Both of them being his favorites. Especially the Warheads. I'm done. I shouldn't have gotten excited about this stupid day and trusting how I feel. Now I learned my lesson. He is just as bad as Said when it comes to communication.