A Shell In The Sand

Chapter 21-

Freya-

Today is the day i dread every year since my father died, Today is the day where i don't want to open my eyes. Today is the day where i wish i would stop breathing, stop hurting. Today is the day i wish i could change.Today is January twenty ninth, Today is the day where i am reminded that my father passed away four years ago , I don't know where the time has went and in all honesty sometimes it doesn't feel like time has passed at all. I know mum is trying to help herself but she is still not taking care of herself properly so now i go up for more surprise visits and i clean up the house which she hates and i always ask her to move to Chicago to the point some days i'm on my knees begging her but she's stubborn and refuses. I think she feels like i'm treating her like a child and i don't mean it but if i don't who else will look after her, who else will make sure she has food in the fridge. As the days came closer to today she wouldn't answer my calls so i went down to see her and she was three quarters into a bottle of vodka and passed out on the sofa. I got so mad with her and threw the bottle in the sink not thinking at the time about the smashed glass but there is only so much a person can take you know. Four years of drink, four years of neglect, four years of being the parent rather than the child. Four long years and yet it only feels like a month.

I feel a cool breeze go up my pant leg and i open my eyes to realise I fell asleep outside, It wasn't my intention but last night i couldn't sleep and i didn't want anyone to hear me sobbing so i tiptoed down stairs and outside. I wasn't stupid though i put on my dressing gown and took my duvet with me to keep me warm and it must have been successful because i'm still here. I slowly blink my eyes and look at the scenery normally the view would make me happy and feel a warmth inside but today my mind felt blank, my eyes were heaving and i had no thoughts. I know today is going to be hard but i have no intentions of making a big deal out of it. I rub my hands on my face and try to wake myself a little bit more but nothing seems to help me, i just feel exhausted. Emotionally and physically and today was going to drain it out of me. I adjust my duvet getting a better hold of it and notice my phone is in my pocket and find it the perfect time to call my mother. I know she will be awake because like me she wouldn't have slept last night not unless drink was involved. I begin calling her and she picks up just before it would go to the answering machine.

"Hey mum" I say to her with a slight depressive tone on me

"Hi baby" She replies and i can hear the sadness in her voice as she grokes.

"I'm going to come see you" I tell her having done it any year

"Please don't, I just need today by myself" She shoots me down and i lower my eye brows confused as we both go to dads grave together but she doesn't want me to see him.

"Okay"I respond to her not wanting to start an argument with her and she hangs up the phone before saying else to me.

I pull the phone down from my ear and look at it in shock but instead of calling her back like i usually would i just put my phone away. Sometimes she still forgets that he wasn't just her husband and that he was my father. I know how hard today is for her but sometimes i think she genuinely forgets that i have feelings too and that i miss him and now i can't even go to his grave. My heart breaks for him every day and i feel like i can't even show it because it hurts too much for her. Some days i can't even mention his name or say how muh i miss him to her because she breaks down and i know it isn't her fault but it would still be nice for her to be there for me. I've just got to get on with it haven't i? There's always next year.

I pick my sunglasses up from the table beside me and put them on my eyes covering up the bags under my eyes and how much they have swollen from the tears i cried. I'm afraid to go inside because if someone asks me how i am i will break down in the spot but i can't stay out here all day either even if my mother doesn't want me visiting i need to at least get out of this house and distract myself. I make sure my phone is in my dressing gown pocket before standing up off the chair, i keep the duvet wrapped around me and walk to the back door and walk in. I walk into the kitchen and see Aileen sitting at the table beside Laine and she takes one look at me and i know she knows but i can't open my mouth.