lost and Found |Taekook|

10. Guilt

Guilt, Guilt is Jungkook's best pal, his best friend. He lives with it, loathes in it.

He has lived with guilt for the past four years now. Guilt of cheating on Taehyung, guilt of breaking his heart. He is and will always regret his decisions for the rest of his life.

When Jungkook left For America four years ago, he had a lot of emotions pent in him. He too was heartbroken, reminiscing the loss of his love, beating himself up for his own actions. Jungkook thought that a change of pace in life would heal his heart but that didn't happen.

First few months were difficult, he often found himself drinking his ass off and sleeping around. He would wake up in a different bed with different people, without even remembering the events that took place the other night. Sex has always been Jungkook's defense mechanism, he'd always confide in sex and hook ups so it was obvious that he'd go there with his broken heart for temporary comfort.

However, it didn't do the work this time, after some months, random sex wasn't his defense mechanism anymore, it didn't help him to soothe his heart, to forget Taehyung.

After months, Jungkook was only left with longing for Taehyung and guilt for his actions.

That's why Jungkook knows how to live with guilt, remorse, shame, regret, repentance. You name it and Jungkook will live with it, but there's only how much he can take too, until he cannot hold it in anymore. Jungkook knows how to live with guilt but that doesn't mean that he wants to live with it.

This is the only reason why Jungkook wanted to come back to Korea. He wants closure. He wants Taehyung to ask him 'why he did, what he did?' so Jungkook can explain his stand and then they can either be together or move on.

Jungkook wants closure as much as he wants Taehyung.

Jungkook had built his own fairytale the day he filed an application to the clinic in Seoul. He built a house with his own expectations, except the house was made of glass and Taehyung just shattered it with a fucking baseball bat.

Taehyung neither the day he kicked Jungkook out of their apartment nor today, even took a moment to ask Jungkook, why he did what he did.

Taehyung, today very clearly told Jungkook that he'll never forgive him. He feels like a kicked puppy right now, all his hopes of finding home lost, again.

It's not like Jungkook can blame him, He's not the one who cheated after all, but it's also true that Jungkook had his reasons and Taehyung never even bothered to ask him. Taehyung was never there when Jungkook needed him the most.

Jungkook somehow makes it to the parking lot. The events after Taehyung left the park to his car ride home are blur. There's nothing on his mind except Taehyung.

Taehyung Taehyung Taehyung.

That's why Jungkook can't breathe. He somehow makes it to his apartment but as soon as he closes the door he collapses on the ground, sliding down the door, clutching to his chest to soothe the pain. Jungkook cannot breathe and he wants to throw up, his body is shaking and his mind is numb. It feels like the walls of the apartment are closing on him. Taehyung's words echo in his mind and Jungkook brings his hands close to his ears to stop the voice.

I'll never forgive you, Jungkook.

Jungkook shakily dugs his hand into his jeans pocket to pull out his phone, quickly dialing the emergency button to call Jin. There's an intense fear and danger in his mind which leads to his body spasming and knocking all the breath out of his lungs.

Breathe Jungkook.

Jin picks up the call in three rings, "Hey honey." A cheery voice greets him but Jungkook is too gone to register anything.

"Jungkook?"

"H-uh hyung," Jungkook croaks out.

"What happened kookie!?"

"C-can't br-uh breathe"

"Where are you!?" Jin says frantically, now realizing the situation Jungkook is in.

"Home," Jungkook coughs, body shaking with panic.

"Hyung will be there, don't worry, hyung is coming," Jin says, his voice raising slightly.

"Breathe Jungkook, can you breathe for hyung? We are on our way baby, please breathe." Jungkook tries to clear out the fog in his mind to focus on Jin's voice, he tries to focus on his breathing, tears slip down his face as he shakes his body to and fro to gain some control.

"I can't h-hyung," Jungkook let's out, pulling at his hair, frustrated. Taehyung's words still echo in his ears.

I'll never forgive you.

Get out of my life.

"You can Jungkook! Focus on your breathing," it's Yoongi, Jungkook registers that much.

"We'll be there in a few minutes baby, try to breathe till then. You're strong Jungkook, you got this." Yoongi's voice grounds him bit by bit, piece by piece and he tries to breathe again, focusing on Yoongi's voice.

"O-okay hyung"

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Thoughts?