Pain & Love

Chapter 29

Erin's POV
It's been a few days since the incident. The most miserable few days. Hank has basically put me on house arrest, not allowing me to leave the house and keeping a close eye on me. He even asked patrol to stay outside his house while he was at work to ensure that I didn't leave. I felt like a prisoner. Hell, prisoners in Statesville probably get treated better than I do. I hated being treated like a child again. I'm a grown adult for heaven's sake. I don't need a babysitter. I don't need somebody to monitor my every move. Yet, here we are.

I paced around my room, trying to get a grip of my life, to regain the control I had so willingly given to what used to be my two best friends - drugs and alcohol. "They are old friends now, friends that you will never see again. Well, maybe I could still see alcohol every once in a while. But that's not the point," my mind echoed.

"Get your shit together Erin!" I mumbled frustratedly to myself. This was by far the worst part. Why I always choose to go through it again, I'll never know. It never gets easier no matter how many times you've done it. All the muscle aches, agitation, anxiety, cold sweats and racing heart have mostly passed, but the marathon headaches, nausea and vomiting, stomach cramps, and depression have gladly stayed to keep me company. Of course, the constant want for more kept lingering in my mind. There have been a lot of instances where I thought about ways to get my hands on more, but I knew if I attempted anything and patrol noticed me, Hank would keep me on house arrest for even longer, or even worse, force me into rehab.

Rehab... I shuddered at that memory. That place was a hell hole. All that place did was burn bad memories into my brain. Rehab may be beneficial for a lot of people, but it wasn't for me. They make you talk and go into therapy, which I absolutely hated. One, I hated opening up to anybody, let alone some random strangers that I'm just supposed to trust? No way. Second, I prefer to take things at my own pace, and do things whenever I want to. I'll heal on my own terms.

Then, my mind went to a certain somebody. Jay. I don't even know what we are right now. Definitely not boyfriend cause I was dumb enough to break up with him. Partners? No way we would want a hot mess detective as his partner, let alone a junkie. Friends? Neah. Why would he want to be friends with me, somebody who doesn't have their shit together. I have ruined things with him. There is no way he would trust me again after this. "Why do you always push people that meant the most to you away Lindsay? Look where it brought you. You are missing the best person that has entered your life yet you pushed away the farthest and has hurt the most. And now you are here alone, pathetic and weak.  This is what you deserve Lindsay. You don't deserve Jay, or Hank, or anybody good in your life for that matter. You are no better than Bunny," I scolded myself.

Just then, a knock on my door interrupted my thoughts. Assuming it was just Hank, I fling the door open, "What now? Wanna lock me up in my room too?" I snapped, clearly annoyed, not even bothering to look at whoever was in front of me.

"I just wanted to come and see how you were doing."
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I posted this on my instagram a few hours ago but kinda forgot to post here. Oops 😂 anyways, I hope you guys enjoy it ❤️
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