Pain & Love

Chapter 45

Erin's POV
Emotions from the past few days, weeks even, just came rushing down in what felt like a stream of waves that I was incapable of stopping. As I let my tears fall down my cheeks freely, I feel Jay delicately pulling me into his embrace, hugging me. I sobbed into his chest, seeking for that comfort and warmth that only he could provide. When people say that you never truly know how much you miss something until you lose it, I can testify that that is in fact true. As I sobbed in his embrace, I quickly realised just how much I have missed him. Everything about him. From his caring side to his witty side and everything in between.

"Jay, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry," I sobbed, apologizing repetitively.

"Erin, it's okay. You don't have to be sorry for anything. It's not your fault," Jay said softly in his soothing voice.

"I.. I'm sorry for being a bitch. For being the worst partner, the worst friend, the worst everything. You don't deserve it. I don't even know why you're still here and haven't left me. After everything, you..." I tried to explain.

"Erin, you don't have to explain yourself. Right now, I just want you to rest and heal and be healthy again. The other things can wait..." he interrupted me, helping me lay back down as he sat beside me and took my hands in his.

"No Jay, just let me say it. You deserve an explanation. I'm sorry for pushing you away. I'm sorry for closing up, building my wall back up and not relying on you after she died. I know it's not a valid reason, but it's just that I'm bad news, I was born into it and I can't get away from it, and in the end, because of that, it's always the people that I care about that ends up getting hurt. I didn't want you to get hurt, and I got scared so I pushed you away as part of my coping mechanism I guess. I needed something to numb all the pain and the guilt, so I turned to something I was familiar with, drugs and alcohol, and went back to my old ways, that place of comfort. I'm sorry I didn't let you help me, I was just scared and lost and I'm terrible at opening up to people and talking about my feelings and emotions. Drugs and alcohol just numbs me without me needing to talk. It was just easier to give in. And the guy you and Hank found me with, at his apartment, it's not what you think. I didn't sleep with him nor is he my boyfriend. He's my childhood friend and nothing happened, we just drank and did some lines together. I'm sorry Jay. And I get it if you do not forgive me. I deserve it, after everything I've done to you and put you through," I explained, wiping my tears away, feeling all the pain finally begin to set in as the painkillers wore off.

I glanced at him, afraid to see his reaction. But as my eyes met his, all I could see was caring and encouragement shining in his eyes. "Erin, I get it. Though I wish you would've relied on me, it's in the past now. We can't change what happened in the past, all we can do is move forward from here okay? We can talk about all this again when you are feeling much better," he said encouragingly.

All I did was nod, part of me appreciating the fact that he was willing to drop this matter for now instead of grilling me for more. But when I heard his next question, my face dropped even more and I immediately tensed up.

"I need to ask you this though Erin. Who were the guys? And what happened in 1999?" he questioned curiously, his voice soft and full of wonder.