Forget Me Not✓| Yoonmin(+18)

chapter twelve (part two)

After that night, we went back to usual except me sleeping at my own bed every night.

Taehyung hasn't mentioned this even once, like me, and nothing has changed in the way we treat each other; I still go teach dance classes and tae designs and makes decisions for his company, mostly staying home with joon. we still cook together, all three of us, and do things together like a family.

It's been ok after almost two weeks but...I need to talk about it. I had a crush on tae when he first took me in and it disappeared into friendship over the years but now I feel like...I may be willing to make it work with him for joon's sake at least; that is if he's willing.

So when joon falls asleep in the back of the car when we're coming back from a huge ball pit, I look at tae's side profile in the dark. He's so flawless I can't believe my eyes sometimes; not just outside but inside too...

"tae? can I ask you something?"

He looks at me sideways. "of course min."

I gulp. "I know you may not want to talk about it but...I need to know if that night meant something to you since...since I know about how you..."

He notices me struggling and cuts me off with a tiny smile which isn't very heartwarming. "I get it baby. No need to explain...if you mean in a romantic sense...no. it didn't mean anything to me. just a friend helping out a friend."

I look down at my hands. I made a fool of myself. I should have just let it go. Tears sting my eyes and I don't know why it's so important for me. maybe I've been single for so long I'm desperate for something. Maybe I'm afraid of forever being alone, joon leaving me after ten or twenty years too. I need to know I won't die alone...I've always hated being alone in any sense of the word and now it seems inevitable.

Tae understands my distress so he pulls to the side of the road, turning the car off. I sniff in the silence, embarrassing myself even more.

He turns to me completely, taking my shaking hand. "you don't love me like that jimin...I know that. You're confused and that's ok but we both know you do not want a relationship with me."

I look at him, tears streaming down my face. "do you? do you want to be in a relationship with me?...and how can you be so sure how I feel?"

He sighs, his eyes softening. "jimin you know chances of me feeling romantic is really low. I love you but it's platonic. I'm sure you're the same because I may not feel romance but I know when I see someone in love. You just want to feel safe and stable and...I can only give you this...what we have now."

I wipe my tears but new ones follow. My chest hurts and I know he's right, but he's the only one now...I'm too scarred to get out there and start all over again.

He hugs me. "come here baby minie. I know it's hard but you can't put yourself in a cage with me and live happily ever after. I can't give you what you need. Sure we can have sex but that only makes us friends with benefits. Is that what you want for all your life?"

I sniffle, my fists on his shirt. "no...but i...I've been rejected too many times and I...I don't have it in me to put myself out there again. I feel great with you. I know you won't ever hurt me..." he pulls back, putting his hands on the sides of my face, staring into my eyes. "not intentionally but I will one way or another. And I can't live with that. You will resent me in time...I'm sure min. so please..."

He puts his forehead on mine. "please don't lie to yourself. I'm sorry if that night confused you but it was just sex and I wouldn't have done it if I could actually do it with someone else."

Ouch.

My breathing is uneven but he just stares at me, waiting for me. "am I ...am I that...that hard to desire and love?"

His hands leave me and he sits back in his seat, looking ahead. "you're actually so easy to love and lust after but I can't do the first one and it's not fair to keep you to myself with the second. Do you want to be my sex toy?"

My breath hitches. Too honest...this little shit is too honest but maybe I need to hear it.

"then...then I can't keep going like this."

He's calm, only waiting for me to go on. I gulp, not crying anymore, determined. "I don't want to live like this...I'm too scared but I don't want this...I need to make things right in my head and start from where it all went wrong."

He looks at me sideways. "you wanna go back? It won't be pleasant."

I look outside from the open window. "I need to find him."

He sighs. "you know that shit might've lied to keep himself out of prison...right?" I nod and take his hand, looking at the veins. Jungkook was like this too...I was always amazed at how many pushups he could do before he got tired.

"I wanna see him anyway. Ask him why he did that. I wanna confront them and ask for the truth...I'll never be at peace if I don't know what really happened...I don't want to keep on running. I miss...I miss everyone too."

He grins. "you mean Yoongi? Thanks to jungkook you got to know he's a crush, not an older brother." I chuckle a bit. "well the concept of being gay was foreign to me...and yoongi wasn't interested anyway."

*

Tae and joon are wrestling on the king-sized bed upstairs, their shouts and laughter coming down. jin looks up. "so your boyfriend came to get you." my headache is only getting worse. I didn't think he would actually come. I thought he was gonna let me cope with my new life...

"fuck you." he's shocked and amused. "wow...you don't seem happy." I snap at him because everyone's too fucking loud. "no I'm not! Don't you have fucking better things to do?"

He raises an eyebrow, looking me up and down unimpressed. "now that you remind me of fucking course. I gotta go to the restaurant not look at your pathetic ass all day."

I wanna call after him and apologize but he leaves so fast. Great! Now I'm feeling guilty too.

I get up and take my cup of water to the table beside the window, watering the withering flower. Guess it's dead since it's been like this for more than a month but I like it too much to let go.

***

   

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