Losing To Win (Lost Series #1) | Completed

Chapter 18

Win

I. . . Did I just dump her?

Did I just make her cry? Anong ginawa ko?

No. Wala akong ginawa.

Hinayaan ko siyang masaktan, hinayaan ko siyang umiyak habang nanatili akong parang tuod. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko.

Mariin akong napakagat sa'king labi habang minamaneho siya pauwi. Kung hindi ko lamang siya katabi ay malamang nahampas ko na ang manibela. Ang bigat. Ang bigat-bigat sa dibdib.

Alam ko sa sarili kong hindi siya tulog, alam kong nasasaktan siya. I prayed for her pain to be bearable, but here I was, intensifying it.

Wala akong maggawa. Ang bigat.

She said she like me, and it was supposed to make her smile. But she ended up crying. She ended up hurting. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. Tuod nga yata talaga ako.

Could we just be happy and smile?

It was just simple. I'd just reciprocate what she feels toward me and we could continue clinging to the hope that everything would be okay. We could continue seeking happiness amidst her sickness. But. . .

I feel like I was a jerk.

I'd just say I like her too, but what my mouth wanted to say was sorry.

How could I know if I like her too?

Or maybe I already know it. It was at that moment when I witnessed how strong she was, she was strong but she needs care. She was strong but her heart was fragile. She needs love, she needs peace, she needs joy, she needs hope. And I just found myself giving her what she needs. I just found myself always thinking about her. I found my heart beating faster than it should everytime she was around.

I found myself wanting her to win.

I found myself afraid she'd not be able to surpass her battle. I was afraid she would leave soon.

So was it pity?

No. I like her. I like her more than she does but I was afraid. I was always saying everything would be okay, but deep inside I was doubting it. I started doubting it.

Pinangunahan ako ng takot.

I was losing to my thoughts.

I was losing to my fear.

I told myself I'd take the risk of losing again, but here I was finding courage. Felicie was worth the risk, but I wasn't strong enough.

Akala ko kaya ko.

Pero hindi pa rin pala. Ayokong maiwan ulit.

Nang makarating kami sa garahe nila ay hindi ko muna siya ginising. Alam kong gising siya, alam kong gaya ko. . . ayaw ko muna siyang umalis.

Napayuko ako sa manibela habang pinipigilan ang pag-iyak.

I want to hold her hand. Like the usual scenario, I want to tell her that everything would be okay, but I lack courage. And it hurts.

Nang inangat ko ang aking mukha, nagpakawala ako ng malalim na hininga at tumingin sa kaniya.

Kahit saglit pa.

Gusto ko lang tignan siya't umasang balang araw kakayanin ko na. Kaso ang hirap pala 'pag oras ang kalaban. Napahawak ako sa'king bibig, saka mariing napapikit. Natatakot ako.

Lord, strengthen me please. Assure me everything will be alright.

Bago pa tuluyang bumagsak ang aking mga luha ay tinapik ko siya. "Felicie."