Losing To Win (Lost Series #1) | Completed

Chapter 9

LTW 9

Felicie

Life without sufferings wasn’t life at all. That was what I always tell myelf whenever I face problems.

But with this?

I just wanted to live. I wanted to live without thinking if I still have enough tommorow left.

Kaso punyemas.

I knew I should be sleeping already or else, my health would suffer. But my anxiety was making its way to keep me awake — drowning me in thoughts which I knew wouldn’t solve anything.

Paano ko ba kasi kokontrolin ang naiisip ko?

Paano ako mapapanatag? Paano ko tatanggaping. . .

Malakas naman kasi ako, ah?

Napakadaya naman. Marunong ako lumaban, pero hindi sa ganito.

Ayoko nito.

And while staring at my ceiling where the stars were glued on, tears escaped from my eyes.

I asked You to spare me from this, but why?

I held my blanket tighter and with my lips sealed, I withheld the annoying whimpers that was begging to be unleashed.

But it was hard. . . really hard, that I just found myself breaking up the silence in my room with the sound of my despair.

It was loud.

And all I knew was that, fear was winning over me.

I was so. . . so scared.

• • •

It was Sunday, and I didn’t know why I was still being dissapointed when I knew already that my parents wouldn’t be able to come home.

Or maybe our house wasn’t home anymore.

Hindi na ako bumangon pa sa kama ko.

We may not really be that close, but as their child, I couldn’t help myself but to long for them. How I wish I could be that normal daughter who could have a typical conversation of everyday’s dilemma towards her parents. I wish I could tell them right away that their daughter was sick, that I was afraid of what would happen next. I wish I could be fragile in front them, and they would be the loving parents who would instatly hug me so I wouldn’t feel alone.

But that seemed too impossible.

They were too busy pleasing people, they were busy being public servants that they forgot their roles as a parent. I knew they just wanted to give me a good life, shelter me with the luxury of material things which to be honest, wasn’t what I need. They were too focused on earning money, and the expense of it was what I think the most important thing. Time.

Time was too underrated, yet very expensive one.

Bago pa man ako malunod sa isipin, inabala ko na lamang ang sarili ko sa mga bagay na hindi ko pa naggagawa.

Dapat na ba akong gumawa ng bucket list?

Hindi ako mahilig manood ng mga kdrama, pero natagpuan ko na lamang ang sarili kong nanood niyon. Mag-isa.

Baka sakaling mawala ang mga isipin ko. . . sana nga.

• • •

Dumako na ang Lunes ngunit wala man lang akong kagana-ganang bumangon sa kama ko. Kung nandito lang si Mom, malamang nasigawan na ako n’on. Ngunit dahil wala pa rin sila, hinayaan ko na lang ang sarili kong maging tamad.