Red Desire | Kylo Ren x Reader

I've Seen All of You

The cold floor numbed your red tear-stained cheeks and eventually, your entire body was cold. It felt nice. Calming. Soothing even. How long did you lay there? You weren't sure. A deep voice was calling out your name softly somewhere above you, but you ignored it. Clutching your knees tightly to your chest, you rocked back and forth slowly. Soft hands were on your arms trying to roll you over to face them. At first, you fought against the arms pulling at you, but a wave a sadness washed over you and you gave in.

This pain, you had felt it before.

Abandonment. Loneliness. Feeling lost.

They were hard emotions to process and your mind didn't know what to do with it. Oh, you definitely had felt these feelings before, just under very different circumstances. Your parents had done this to you. They had done this to you and Kori. They abandoned you, left you, stopped caring about you both. You never found out where they had gone, but you had known that they weren't ever coming back.

When they first left, it was fun just being with Kori, and then things started to get serious. She not only had to raise herself but also you. They were lonely times, hard times, not great times. As you grew older, instead of appreciating the help she gave you, you started to hate her for it. Kori was smart, beautiful, organized, she had her whole goddamn life together and yours felt like it was in shambles. Even though she was only two years older than you, it felt like she knew everything, and you knew absolutely nothing. And even though she went through the same bad shit that you did, she somehow handled it all better.

You never really grieved your parents leaving, you just shoved the emotions down deep inside of you and hoped to get over it at some point. That's why you ended up doing the things that you did when you were younger. You wanted to get as far away from Kori as possible. Didn't want to be around her anymore. She felt suffocating. She was suffocating you, or so you thought. Throughout school you wanted to straighten yourself out; but you did reckless things, stupid things, things you regretted. You slept around, didn't go to class, and stopped caring about yourself.

You had dug yourself into a hole but couldn't seem to find your way out of it.

A hard smack of reality made you realize that if you didn't get your shit together, you weren't ever going to become the person you wanted to be. You didn't want to become your parents. So, you stopped being stupid and started figuring things out for once.

Laying here, now, on your cot, your mind raced thinking of everything you had ever lived through. All you could do now was think of the past and how that brought you to this fucked up future you were currently in.

At some point, someone had carried you to your cot from the medbay floor because you wouldn't move out of it yourself. They had changed you out of your bloody gross scrubs and you were now in soft loose clothing. There was probably some sedative or something that had been given to you because you miraculously slept throughout the night; well most of it. You woke up in a quick panic screaming your head off while in a cold sweat. Max's soft whispers calmed you down and lulled you back to sleep some hours later. In the morning, you didn't move. You just stared at the nearby plain grey wall not saying anything. The guilt you felt was immense, and it was controlling every fiber of your being.

And you let it completely consume you.

This went on for a few days. Not eating, not moving, not speaking. Just lying there, in a cold and uncomfortable cot with a blanket wrapped around you. Nothing anyone said made you feel better. How could you feel better? You couldn't. Every night, the nightmares came. Images of what Kori must have looked like as she took her last breath.

Images of the terror you saw in people's eyes as they realized they wouldn't get off the base in time. Images of Kylo's bloody face and wounded body. Images of the large ramp crashing down and almost killing Damon. Images of the entirety of the base exploding into nothingness.