Red Desire | Kylo Ren x Reader

At What Cost?

Kylo had the same reoccurring nightmares each night.

They would consist of flashes from when he was growing up and the feelings of being neglected and unloved. Flashes from his Jedi training and when the temples were destroyed. Flashes of the look on Luke's face as he stood over a young Kylo wanting to kill him. Flashes of seeing his father taking his last breath.

At some point, after your incident in the medbay, he had begun seeing flashes of your blood covered body while you lay unconscious. The panic he felt from those nightmares shook his entire body and made him wake up in a cold sweat.

This utterly confused him at first. But over time, his stubbornness around it all faded and he had come to terms with the reasoning. Even if he didn't want to admit it.

The night terrors would all keep him awake at night. He would toss and turn never feeling comfortable. Instead, he usually would sleep for short bursts of time. Just enough so he could function for his busy days, but not long enough for the nightmares to kick in.

Tonight, was different.

Having your body next to his, clinging to him, he felt calm. Your body was at peace as it quietly snoozed next to his. You held onto him like you were afraid he would disappear.

It was a nice feeling. Having someone there. He had been alone for so long.

As hard as it was to admit to himself, he couldn't pretend anymore that he didn't have feelings towards you. You and your incredible attitude had crawled right into his life and he couldn't exactly pinpoint why you stuck, but he couldn't let you go now.

Although, he still didn't want any attachments.

It would be a distraction from his training with the Supreme Leader.

He had tried to keep his mind free of you while around Snoke in fear that he would find out about you. You needed to be kept safe. And he couldn't guarantee your safety around his own master. Kylo still had more to complete and couldn't risk messing up all of his progress now.

He had so many other things to worry about. The damn scavenger girl was off on some planet with Luke training with him. How she found him, Kylo didn't quite know. Obviously, the Resistance had the map to him, but Luke had still somehow managed to stay hidden for so long.

Part of Kylo missed his old life. His life as Ben Solo. But now, that whole past was dead to him. He was focused on the now. The goals of now.

But you were a distraction. An attachment. One he didn't need.

That's why he always pushed you away. He tried to make you see him for what he truly was. What he truly is.

A monster.

For some reason, you kept coming back. You would get mad at him, rightfully so, and yet, you still continued to be with him.

From reading your thoughts, he knew you had feelings for him. He still couldn't understand why. He had been nothing but utterly terrible towards you. And now, here you were, in his bed.

He admired the way your eyelashes fluttered against your cheeks as you slept. Your hair splayed out behind you making you look like a goddess. Your chest lightly rose with each breath you took. The softness of your skin made him want to run his hands over every part of you.

Everything about you was so much smaller and more delicate than him. Your tiny hands clutched onto his chest holding him for dear life. Your whole body was curled into his as if made to do so.

Kylo crept into your mind and was relieved to know you hadn't had any nightmares yet and he was hoping that it would stay that way.

Lightly, he raised his hand up and brushed it through your hair. It was soft and smelt of a sweet clean soap making him want to nuzzle his head in it.