Red Desire | Kylo Ren x Reader

A Death Wish

One night away from Kylo's soft silk sheets and plush mattress felt like punishment enough let alone the sinking feeling of sadness you now felt. The hard truth of the short argument you just had with him, started to weigh down on you. The cold thin cot gave you no comfort and you didn't sleep all night. Lying there, you stared up at the ceiling without moving. Thoughts swirled through your mind and you couldn't shut them off.

You had never been more conflicted in your feelings.

It was obvious now how much you cared for him- even if he treated you like garbage.

What was it about him that dragged you in? What was it about him that made you lose all of your better judgment? What was it about him that had you coming back for more?

He kept showing you time and time again how he didn't want anything from you other than what was in between your legs. You knew he couldn't give you the emotional support you needed. Knew he couldn't give you the relationship you had been hoping for. Knew how he was.

And yet, you continued to fall into his traps.

At first, you thought you'd be fine with just that. Okay, well, with just doing whatever you were doing with him. After all, you'd been okay with doing just that in the past with others; so why was it bothering you so much now?

Pulling an arm up from underneath your blanket, you traced your still swollen lips with your eyes shut. You could almost still feel the plushness of his lips against yours. Could almost feel his delicate touch as he traced his fingers down your body. Could almost feel his large warm body pressed up next to yours.

A single tear dripped down your cheek and you quickly wiped it away.

You had left his quarters without saying anything to him or even looking at him. If you even glanced his way, you knew you would burst into tears. He had gotten so upset at you so quickly that you hadn't seen it coming. One minute he was fine; gentle, tender even towards you, and then the next, he said and did vile hurtful things just to make you leave. His mood was like a ticking time bomb and you always happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Why had he gotten so damn upset?

The night before he had practically begged, no demanded, that you sleep in his quarters. To get "a good night's rest". Yeah, that was straight bullshit. But you weren't really complaining about that. You liked being around him- most of the time. You liked the way he took control and took care of you. As someone who was constantly taking care of others, you liked him being there for you. Even if he had a real odd way of showing that he cared.

Well, you weren't sure how much he cared or if he even did.

Not that it mattered anymore.

You were done with him.

When people began to stir in the morning, you got up with them and dressed for the day in the same plain scrub outfit as always without saying anything. Your feet followed behind Madison and Damon into the medbay without saying anything. You began working your shift without saying anything.

You weren't in the talking mood.

The day buzzed by without you remembering what happened. It felt like you were just going through the motions. It felt like someone else was in control of your body.

You did what you had to and moved on.

When your shift was over, you mindlessly followed your friends out towards the dining hall as they chatted happily about their days not paying attention to your emotionless state. Sitting at the bench next to Max, you mumbled answers to questions and picked away at your flavorless mush. You changed for bed afterward and then pretended to fall asleep early so you wouldn't have to talk to anyone anymore.