Red Desire | Kylo Ren x Reader

Should Have Saved Myself

The bed was cold when he woke up the next morning.

Darkness hung about the room as Kylo sat up with a panicked feeling in his chest. Where were you? Why had you left him in here alone? Flinging the covers off of his warm half-clothed body, he instantly shivered as the cold air attacked his skin. Reaching for the sheet off of the bed, he wrapped it around himself as he walked towards the door. The hatch flew open and his groggy eyes looked around for your figure. You had to be in here somewhere.

The supplies bag that you had brought on the ship was sitting near the row of seats you sat in yesterday, but you weren't sitting with it. But you must have moved it some time while he was sleeping. Paddling his bare feet across the floor, he wandered around the ship wondering how you could be hiding right under his nose.

He looked first in the other bedroom trying to rule out the obvious. It was empty and dark inside once he entered. Looking down at the ground, he could see your armor still sitting there on the ground. Frowning, he picked up the pieces and brought them back into the room the two of you had been sleeping in. Turning back around, he shivered as he walked out in the open space.

The harsh coldness of the metal floor stung his feet as his sleepy state still had control of him. Rubbing his eyes in an attempt to see clearer, he looked around the dark area. Stars in the sky that surrounded the ship gave off little to no light, which didn't aid in his search. He couldn't sense you, which concerned him. Normally, your presence was loud enough for him to hear you all the way from the other side of the Finalizer.

What time was it anyway? He really wouldn't be able to tell unless he looked at a clock. Time didn't seem to exist as the ship flew the endlessness of the galaxy. He figured it had to be the middle of the night since his body still felt so damn tired.

Tightening the black sheet around his body, he picked up his drowsy pace as he looked around for you. Desperate to hear you, he held his breath hoping that you'd make a noise loud enough so he could find you. But you didn't.

Maybe you were upset about what had happened last night. Or upset about the lack of what had happened. Last night had been...well, he didn't even know how to explain it.

He felt like he was in a trance the entire time. Your lips were moving, your face was scrunched up in pain, your body was trembling, and it was like he couldn't hear a word you said. Could only see your face. Could see your body lying next to his.

He felt numb. Felt frozen. Felt nothing.

What was he supposed to say? He had never been all that good with his words. He didn't know how to resolve things that way. He always just used his power and aggression. Talking about his feelings just wasn't in his forte. This all just felt like one bad thing after the next.

He had only just apologized for all of the shit he had put you through. As in he was now only just admitting that he knew he was wrong. So how was he supposed to manage this news?

Finally, he had his girl back in his arms. Finally, he had some light in his life. And this is the first thing that happens to the two of you. It seemed like both of you could never catch a break.

You looked so broken as you told him, and he wished he could take away your pain. Wished he could absorb every ounce of suffering you'd endured. Wished he could have felt it all instead. Wished he could have been there for you when you needed him the most.

And you somehow thought it was your fault? This wasn't your fault, it wasn't anyone's fault. If anything, he was the one to blame.

A baby. He couldn't believe it. He had created something. Something precious and innocent and pure. Something that hadn't been ruined by him yet. Something that had the chance of being good.