Beastars x reader (Season 1)

CHAPTER 41: UNDER THE RAIN

(There's a song on the cover page you'll need to hear later).

I run, I run away and I don't know where I'm going, I just know one thing.  I have to get away from everyone.  I want to be alone!

I run as fast as my legs allow me, the night came in, I begin to feel small drops of cold water, announcing a light rain coming that slowly turns into a storm.

I don't stop, I hear the ground filling with water, making huge puddles which I run through them, splashing the water everywhere.

I feel all the raindrops falling on me, dripping into my body.  They're cold.

I try to find a bus station or something, but I run with despair and fear, that I cannot concentrate.  My legs are getting tired and no matter how much I run, I can't run away from my problems. I can't run away from myself.

The ground is so wet and damp that running caused my foot to slip as I took a step.  I fall onto the cold, wet floor, dirtying my clothes and my face.

I raise my head, before kneeling.  That's when I look around.  Night fell, it's raining, the people of the city are in their warm and comfortable homes.  That's why the city looks so illuminated and beautiful.

But not everyone's at home.  Bill... those guys are on the black market, just like other people.  At this hour, it's dangerous for one to be outside.  At this time, only criminals come out.  Where's Legoshi?  He fled to the market.. What's he doing now?

I look at my hands, which are still touching the cold and wet floor.  I see the blood on my hands, mixing with the rainwater, the red liquid, spreading on the floor.

I remember it all again, the violence I caused, the rumors I passed through, the advice I heard... Everything I've done, all the decisions I've made, have led me to this situation.  Every inch of me is trembling, but not from the cold. 

I feel my tears running down my face, my tears, being the only warm drops of water running down at this time, plus the blood on my hands, which get slowly cleaned by rainwater.

What am I doing?  I'm finally alone, so I take my chance to cry.  I lower my face and punch the wet floor, splashing some water everywhere.  I can't help but sob at everything that's going on.  I try to breathe, but I feel a lump in my throat that doesn't allow me to do it well.

Part of me wants to remain weak, to stop hurting people, but on the other hand, I'm tired of hiding my anger at certain injustices.  What am I doing with my life?  What decisions have I made?  Have I taken the right choices?

My ideas are crossed, I'm confused and my feelings are mixed.  I need to relax... Thank God, I'm alone... I grab my backpack that has been hanging on me all this time and I open it taking out my violin. I'm lucky my violin is varnished, so the water won't ruin it.

Still sobbing, there's no need to clean my tears, because the rain hides them.  I get up, close my eyes tightly, breathe in, place my violin in the proper position, and pray that all this suffering will go away... I play again.

(Song Y/N plays on the cover page, play it now for a better experience)

I start with the first notes, I let them flow, one note leads me to another, they start slow until I can put my thoughts in order.

I keep my eyes closed, letting my tears fall.  I control my breathing in terms of the rhythm of the music. 

Even though my eyes are closed, I can feel the cold rain environment and the city lights increasing their colors, lighting my eyelids.

The rain starts to feel stronger.  Each time I focus more on the music, but I don't forget the questions I've got.

What am I going to do?  Should I keep suppressing my wild instincts?  Should I learn to control them?  Is Bill right?  Is this world simply unfair?  No.. It can't be like that.  Is there something I can do to change it? I must know what to do.. I have to find a way to live with this..

If I continue this path... I hate to admit it but Bill's right, one day I could end up... k-killing someone..

I've asked people what to do with the wrong side of the world, but lot of them tell me that I must bear them.. It's no use. 

The storm increased with lightning strikes, which motivate me to play with more speed and tension. My mind is focused on the music and my thoughts, that thunder is heard simply as music following my violin. I let out all my feelings on the chords.

Now I understand that holding on, only keeps me more and more resentment, so I'll end up exploiting and hurting someone else again..

Is there even anything that can be done in this world?  This society has laws and regulations.. But are they right, if so, why do people break them? 

I don't want maturing to mean accepting this world as it is and having to deal with its cruel society. 

I see society as shadows... silhouettes that stare at me and judge me for everything I do... No one is saved from those shadows, whether you're carnivore or herbivore, male or female..

The world'll be ready  to despise you. I want to change things, I want to change my life. 

I've made several decisions that have led me here, because I knew that my life would be better once I left that place. 

But still, life has given me so many challenges... And still, I've managed to find something that I've never had before... friends, Juno, Jack, Haru..... Legoshi...

I open my eyes to think of him and to feel my heart beating fast again.  I don't know where he is now, but I have known him for a while now... Wherever he is, he's not like these people.. He's different, all my friends are..

I stop playing the violin, reaching the last notes.  If they don't think like that... if I am not like them... It means that there are still people who know that we should all treat each other equally, like the Beastars... Louis also thinks that then... Maybe I am not alone as I feel I am now.

I don't know what'll happen in the future, but whatever it's gonna be, I know that not everything is lost.

Now that I'm more calmed, I put my violin back in my backpack, I shiver with cold from the calming rain, and I walk in search of the station.

There are people who want justice like me... I can help, but first, I have to find out how to control myself, without repressing myself.

... Not anymore.