Beastars x reader (Season 1)

CHAPTER 61: EMPTY SPARK

(There's a song on the cover page you'll need to hear later).

We're in one of the last rehearsals before the festival, tomorrow's when we'll play to honor the dinosaurs.

Dinosaurs that are already dead, I'll honor creatures I'd never honored before and never thought I'd have to. 

It sounded interesting at first, but I guess what really excited me was hanging out with my friends.

I look around, everyone seems to be on their own. We use this last days more as an excuse to go out than to rehearse.

I know the scores by heart, everyone's doing what they want, for a festival in which I lost all interest, and I want to be alone. 

So I isolate myself from others.  I want to go to a quiet place, to try to forget this pain I feel.

I walk towards the edge of the park, where there's a fence that divides the field from a beautiful blue lake.  I stand in front of it, where I can hear the water, and plants moving by the light breeze. 

Isolated from everyone, without having to listen to people, or their rumors, without being reminded of the unpleasant person I am. 

I close my eyes I sigh, I just want tranquility, I just want to rest from all this.

I hold on to the straps of my violin case hanging from my shoulder.  I haven't played all day, I haven't want to. 

I don't think it'll work, but maybe if I play, I'll be able to deconcentrate a little, maybe I'll stop feeling all this pain for a few seconds.

I open my case and take out my violin one more time, I put the case on the green grass and look towards the lake, before looking at my violin, and closing my eyes.  I take a long, deep breath that seems not to end and play once again.

(Song Y/N plays on the cover page, play it now for a better experience).

I play the right chords while moving the arc to the correct rhythm, keeping my eyes shut while feeling the breeze on my face and the sunlight on my eyelids. 

I keep my eyes closed tightly, trying to focus more and more on the music, trying to slowly repel all my pain.

I can feel my feet on the soft ground covered by the green grass and feel every inch of me playing with all the energy I have left, no matter how much I focus on the music, I can't feel calmer.

When I'm feeling down and play my violin, my imagination usually makes me listen to more musical instruments accompanying my melody, sometimes I can even hear her voice, which brings me out of reality, bringing me back some good memories and at the same time staying focused on the present. 

I usually imagine good-looking sceneries, with lovely combinations of lights and glamorous colors, that make me feel warm, safe and sound. 

I imagine places that make me forget where I am. I usually forget my problems and think about the present I'm living, it has never failed me to feel better... But not this time. 

This time, no matter how much I play, the memories continue to inhabit, my sadness doesn't disappear and my despair remains in contact with me. 

I play with more strength, trying to forget, to think of something else, ANYTHING.  But the only thing that comes to my mind are the memories of everything I've lost.

I hold my violin tighter as I play, I don't hear anything more than that, as if the music of my violin wasn't the same as before, it sounds simpler, quieter, it sounds... empty..

As if.. the magic, the spark that I used to feel when I played it, was no longer there...

I keep playing, although I feel it's in vain, I knew it wouldn't make me feel better, but I don't want to stop...

I just want to forget, I just want to stop feeling this.. I just want the pain to stop, I want it to go away, I want the feeling of loneliness to stop.

I want my life to make sense again, I wish I could go back in time... and be able to change something, anything... I could stop myself before I had ruined everything.

My ears lift instantly when listening to something, making me stop playing.

Among the sound of my violin, I managed to hear a noise that made me remember my event yesterday.

A muffled scream.  A scream like the one I did when they tried to kidnap me.. Shit!  I forgot that there's a madman around here!  I SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT THAT! 

I put down my violin and run to the place I heard such a scream. 

If there's one thing I must thank to my violin's lack of magic, it's that thanks to that, I was able to hear such a scream.  Otherwise I'd be lost on my thoughts and wouldn't be able to hear that scream. A scream that could only be heard by my good hearing.

I have to know what happened, I have to know everyone's ok.  I have to know what this scream is about, otherwise I'll never forgive myself.