Beastars x reader (Season 1)

CHAPTER 60: LONELINESS

Fear, it's something normal in people.  Each person is specially scared of something. Some are afraid of heights.  Others are afraid of death.  And others are afraid of the dark.

A common fear many people feel, including me, is the fear of loneliness. The fear of being abandoned and not having someone to talk to, not having someone to hug or love.

I've always been alone in my life. So I couldn't fear something I was used to living with this, until I met my friends..

The moment when I was finally not alone, when I finally experienced friendship, and love.. It was then  when that fear came to me, the fear of returning to my life from before, fear of losing everything I got.

People's usually afraid of various things. But what happens when people's fears come true?  I know what happens.  Fear is lost, because you went through the worst..

But, do people feel better after that?  They don't, at least not me.

I didn't knew it before, but having friends, keeping me company, made all my problems feel much lighter than when I was alone.

Now that I'm alone, everything feels worse.  Loneliness makes you feel nobody needs you, makes you feel nobody would miss you if you suddenly disappeared from the face of the earth. 

Loneliness... makes you feel.. vulnerable and scared, it makes you feel alone.

Throughout the day, loneliness is the only thing that accompanies me, it's the only thing I feel.

After a long night without sleep, looking at the ceiling of my room, remembering what I lost.. I feel alone.

When I got up and prepare for school, seeing Juno didn't come to sleep, but stayed to make another sleepover with her friends. 

Hearing total silence, being louder than anything.  Seeing myself in the room, without Juno, without anything... I feel alone.

Entering the classroom, having to sit in the same place I used to sit before Legoshi and Jack invited me.  Sitting isolated from everyone and not even being able to look in the face to those who once were my friends... Makes me feel alone.

When the bell rings and I get up from my seat, seeing the boys are leaving, seeing Jack turning to see me with his ears down, walking away with a look of sadness, and knowing I can't go talk with him, makes me feel alone.

Walking through the halls, finding out Haru wasn't the only one who saw me covered of blood the other day, hearing more rumors about me, insults and whispers when they see me pass, makes me feel lonely.

I haven't eaten all day, and even so, I'm not hungry.. Even if I were, I couldn't be able to go to the cafeteria anyway. 

Everyone rumors about me, and I can't talk to Haru about this anymore.  So I sit on the roof I sat on the first day I came.

Sitting here, feeling the breeze and the sun dazzling my face, flooding me with guilt and self-hatred, makes me feel alone.

Walking to my room, receiving insults and listening to the rumors running, showing me that I couldn't do anything to prove I was innocent, and hating myself for having tried...

Listening to them, makes me feel angry or sad... But not as much as before, no matter how much they bother me, my anger isn't like before, my desire to defend myself has faded, at this point, I don't care anymore. 

I walk, letting them make fun of me, letting them rumor what they want.. I don't care anymore. After all, I deserve it.

I get up, and I look onto the balcony in front of me, and look down around the school. 

I still remember when I saw this school for the first time from here.  I had so much hope of a new beginning, a new life, a better one... But I just ruined it.

What am I doing here?  I came here to improve my life, as a last hope, a second chance.. Summer is starting.. What will I do after that?  I can't go back here.  I have nowhere to go ...

What is the purpose of being here now?  I no longer have a plan, I have nothing else.

I get closer and closer to the edge of the balcony.  It is at these moments when I hit rock bottom that I play my violin, to forget everything and live in the present. 

But during all this time, it's the first time I don't want to play.. I just have no interest.  Does that worries me?  I don't know. 

I feel playing it'll make me feel exhausted.  After all, I've been feeling tired all day.  I feel like I spend all my energy even when I make the slightest movement.

I look down, the height of this building is great, I walk closer to the edge and feel the strong breeze from the top of the building.  I'm not afraid of heights.

BRRRING!

My thoughts are interrupted by the school bell.  I look down and see that I got quite close to the edge of the balcony

... I step back and walk down the building.  I should go get ready for the park.

...

When I get into my room, I see myself in the small rectangular mirror that hangs on the wall of my room.  It is until then that I see I'm quite sloppy. 

My ears have been down all day, I'm disheveled, my uniform is wrinkled and dirty, and my face... It shows an expression that shows no emotion.  Goes hand in hand with my feelings. 

I'm not usually the girl who cares as much about how to do her hair or dress when going out.  But I admit... I'm a mess.  I don't want to look more miserable to people than I already am.

I put my phone on my desk to get undressed and put on my clothes I usually wear when I don't have to wear this uniform. 

My white shirt with black jeans and white low top sneakers.  I take my brush and comb my little pompadour as well as my fur and my tail.  Everything's so quiet, and lonely that it makes me anxious.

Once ready, I take my violin and leave my room. On the way out I remember something.  I forgot my phone. Still, I keep walking, I don't need it, I have no one to call or talk to. 

So I leave school, without my phone in hand, since I don't need it...

I'm alone after all.