Original Stories

I LOVE CAVETOWN

Please read the entire message.

I'm totally not listening to Cavetown and crying alone in my room because I think I might be dysphoric and struggling to hide it every waking moment and trying to convince myself that I'm okay with the pronouns and body I was given that everyone keeps calling me and trying to also convince myself that it's fine and I can be normal and be what other people want me to be or see in me. I'm totally not scared of everything right now. My hands totally aren't shaking. I'm totally not stressed. I'm absolutely not lying to myself.

But what else am I supposed to do when I live with 2 grandparents who don't understand, a very young autistic brother, and parents who have yet to use my correct pronouns even though they've accepted it? Also, apparently I can't be who I am out in the open because other people "won't understand" or because I'll get upset because I'M the one struggling to live in this body. Why does it FUCKING matter what they think?? I don't care!! If they cared about me in the least, they would shut the fuck up with their old time ways and love me for who I am.

Like, do you WANT me to spend every moment I'm awake and asleep crying and panic and having a breakdown inside out because I hate myself more than anybody else ever will?? Do you WANT me to be stressed more because I can't be myself??

I don't give a shit that I'm weak and sensitive and let my emotions show too easy. I'd rather be upset that they don't accept me, because then at least I can be out and open about it. But I ABSOLUTELY will NOT sit around and keep everything bottled up because "that's just how it is" "there's  nothing we can do about it". I'd rather be able to love myself and be sensitive under the hate that lives beneath my feet, than almost fall back into a routine of punching, biting, crying, stressing, scratching, screaming, and the ultimate feeling of being utterly in pain and alone in this uncomfortable empty shell of a body that I DON'T BELONG IN!!!!

I want to escape this right fucking now. But I can't. I can't even leave my own goddamn house to go on a walk by my fucking self. Because my black queer ass is more scared of getting shot and not coming home and I'm spending every waking moment being scared of being in my own DAMN skin and I'm scared for my family who's even darker skinned than me and has young children.

I'm fucking scared. Of society. Of myself. I want to not have to cry. But that's all I can FUCKING do right now. I'm trying so hard to just mask it all and cover it up. I'm trying SO HARD to be a better person. But it ALWAYS ends up in vain. I ALWAYS go back to being toxic, to doing things I shouldn't, to being unproductive, to being next to useless, to feeling worthless and empty, to feeling so fucking alone, to not knowing how to stop myself, to not being able to figure out where this endless PAIN and SUFFERING comes from. I HATE IT! I HATE THIS BODY!! I HATE MYSELF!! I HATE THIS WORLD WE LIVE IN!!

I want to be loved. I want to love myself. I want to fall in love. I want to have a non-toxic relationship. I want to be held close and live in a world where this doesn't happen. I want to be okay. I want to be RIGHT. I want everything to be fixed.

I don't want to hear "we can't do anything about it"

"it's gonna be okay"

"you'll get through this"

"it'll get better"

"it's not that bad"

"It can't be helped"

or that my crying and screaming and trying to feel a little more comfortable is pointless or that it's never gonna happen or that I can't handle it.

I WANT THIS GODDAMN VIRUS TO BE OVER WITH SO I CAN GET SOME REAL HELP AND FIGURE OUT WHO I'M SUPPOSED TO BE!!!

Because right now everything feels so wrong.

I don't want to talk about it. I've said enough, you should know why. I can't say these words out loud because I know if I do, you won't listen, you're going to contradict me, you're going to argue with me, you're not going to believe me.

I don't want to talk about it anymore because I have a feeling I'm not going to be heard for how I really feel, but for how you interpret my words and tell me how I'm going to feel.

You tell me you're not going to walk me through it. That the "real world" isn't going to accept it. And yet for some reason you keep trying to hold my hand and steer me the direction you assume is right for me. If you really want me to figure shit out for myself, then leave me alone and let me do it myself and stop trying to get in my head. It's bad enough I can't be myself, so quite trying to "figure me out" or "know me".

Let me be honest, I don't give a fuck. I don't I don't I don't I don't.

I feel like shit right now. I'm not afraid to say this. Any of it. All of it.

I mean, I'm scared as hell. I know I'm probably going to get yelled at and reprimanded once I share this whole thing with my parents and the rest of my family. But I'm sick. Sick and tired and so fucking over it and so done with this body and the emotions I'm having. I need to make some kind of change. Not for you. Not for society. But for myself. I don't care who isn't going to accept me. I really don't give a damn what they're going to say. I'm trying to stop feeling bad for myself, so stop trying to make me hide myself.

I'm African American, my pronouns are They/Them, and I am a queer individual.

Suck it.