Original Stories

Sad

I'm just sad.

I don't know why, but I just got sad for no reason.

No tears

No mixed emotions

Just sadness that feels more like emptiness.

Like, I literally feel like something is missing, like I'm hollow, part of a whole.

It just came out of nowhere and I've got nothing to help me explain it.

There's so much I do want to say, things I need to tell people, things I need to tell myself.

But I don't know if I'll ever get there.

So what now?

Am I going to live and waste my life away in a lie while the world is falling apart around me?

Am I just gonna sit around on my ass and do nothing at all?

I don't know! Don't ask me questions!

But yeah, probably.

I don't have anything else I can do.

And all I can do to stay sane is sit around and be sad, angry, stressed, and live in fear.

Just let my demons accompany me and whisper terrible truths of feelings I've locked away.

Maybe while I'm at it I'll let them scare me and tell me I'm useless again.

I know, I shouldn't.

But what do I have to lose?

That one friend I never had to begin with?

The person who never knew me, the real me, from the start?

A family who doesn't even know that this is what goes on in my head all the time?

Or a very specific family member who absolutely prevents me from being able to be comfortable with who I am or even let me open my mouth so as much to say "I don't want to talk right now?"

Maybe I am lying to myself by letting these thoughts interrupt my peace of mind and the so-called "truth."

But I cannot deny the truth, elude myself of what I really feel in my brain and my heart that I dare not speak.

I don't hide it because I'm ashamed, embarrassed or because I'm lying.

I'm hiding it because it's a language I haven't learned to speak.

A picture I don't know how to paint.

A song I don't know how to sing.

A life I don't know how to live.

A story that I might never get to tell.

A version of me that I can't seem to find.

It's not my fault.

It's not my fault you tell me.

"It's not my fault," I tell myself.

"It's not my fault," I say again, tears about to form.

No, no, no no no no no.

No.