Original Stories

In A Mood

Sorry, I'm in a kind of mood today. Sad music is not not helping, but it is at the same time.

Are you still in tune with your emotions if you repress them while you experience them?

Like, if I convince myself or another that I'm not feeling a certain way, or that I'm lying to myself, even when I know deep down or when I'm alone and I break down crying because I know that part of it's a lie, can that still be considered being in tune with my emotions?

Maybe I'm not making any sense.

I'm sorry, I'm literally crying. I saw some stuff and I read through some older rants/messages while clearing out my drive and files and I'm still struggling with gender and sometimes sexuality and I got told to see a therapist again the other day because I have anxiety and dysphoria and a bunch of bottled up, internalized, self-inflicted fears and anger and stress and I've got a bunch of emotions and stories and people that I just can't seem to let go, even if I don't even have the chance to so much as hear their voice again.

I'm really, really sad and and I feel broken. I feel like this all the time.

I've even started to notice that I just randomly get sad or even irritated for no reason or for things that shouldn't even evoke that kind of emotion.

I also can't stand eye contact, being in public, and asking questions out loud, especially in front of large groups of people.

Making eye contact makes me feel like somebody can see right through me and makes me feel weak and like I've done something wrong.

When I'm in public, I feel like everyone's watching me and judging me and talking about me. (I know I have a frohawk and I'm black and hella feminine and my clothes and jewelry are kinda weird, but I don't like being noticed either).

I hate asking questions out loud because I'm scared of how the people around me are perceiving my academic worth as a human being.

Sometimes I'm even scared of people judging me for my (sometimes) changing gender and sexuality because I'm worried they'll think I'm faking it when really I'm just trying to figure myself out.

I always put on this act that everything's okay. And when I'm not acting like that, I'm crying my eyes out and screaming at the people I love without so much as a thought as to how I'm hurting them more than I am in pain.

In my brain I live in a constant fear of thinking about what someone else is thinking about me and that I am weak and wrong and messed up and that I'm a burden and that I'm never gonna make it in life and that I don't want things to change anymore.

I really just want to stop growing up. I'm not ready.

I can't control my own emotions and I don't know how to cope with my stress.

It takes me about 10 seconds in real time to start panicking in the middle of class because I made a mistake or I don't know what I'm doing and I'm far too scared to ask for help and asking for help makes me nervous.

When I'm stressed or nervous, I get the feeling I'm going to puke and it doesn't go away until after I've cried.

I get headaches and migraines when I cry.

I talk to myself a lot. Especially at night. Even more I've I'm crying.

I'm always trying to convince myself and the people around me that I don't have these issues and that I don't feel like this.

But I also can't keep my mouth shut.

Either way, there's still a lot of things I don't tell other people. This isn't even the tip of the iceberg.

In my head everything is either the end of the world, or the best thing in the world. I'm a black and white thinker. For me, there is no in between, no common ground. It's either good or bad and both of those turn into extremes.

In my head, everything is always worse than it really is, even if the things I'm feeling are positive.

I'm negative, I'm pessimistic, and I'm a defeatist.

I know.

And I know that when I say "I can't help it," there's always that one person who tells me "Yes you can," when really, if I could help it, I wouldn't be feeling this way and talking about it right now, or even ever at all.

It doesn't help that almost all of my friends and the people that I've been in 'relationships' with are/were hella toxic and emotionally abusive and manipulative.

I don't ever talk about it because everyone would think I'm just lying like I used to when I was 12 or because they believe the other person more than me or because they're an adult which automatically makes them 'right'.

Listen, I'm terrified of everything and I hate myself and I'm constantly questioning my self worth and always thinking about what you are thinking of me, and trust me, I never think of anything positive.

Everything in my mind starts out bad and just gets worse and worse and scarier until I feel like I'm choking and drowning and scratching my own skin, punching myself, clenching my teeth and jaw, biting myself, starving myself, resisting the urge to break something or scream or run away or bang my head into a wall.

And it's a reoccurring thing.

And it's worse when I'm on my period, especially since I've been experiencing gender dysphoria a lot.

Let's not forget how I've long since convinced myself that I need the pain and that I deserve it, even when you tell me I've done nothing wrong.

I don't believe it and I don't trust it and I hate it. And if you tell me that it's going to be okay or ask me how I'm doing, it just makes matters worse.

I just kinda hate myself all the fucking time.