I feel sick
No one sees the signals
I can't find my purpose
Can't see my success
Constantly doubting others
Second guessing myself
When does it end, when does it end?
When does it get better?
Feeling like the autumn leaves
Changing,
Falling,
Dying,
Then showing up again, like nothing ever happened
I don't want to bother anyone
I don't mean to make them worry
I'm tired of being in their way
I don't know how I got like this
But it hurts
And I'm sorry
"It's not your fault" you say
"It's not my fault" I tell myself
But then,
Who else is to blame but me?
"I love you"
"It's okay"
"You can trust me"
"Things will get better"
"Have courage"
"Keep trying"
"It'll all be worth it"
Things I've all heard before
Things that might be true
But when's the last time
Someone said that,
And it wasn't just to make me stip crying?
To make me smile?
To make me feel "better"?
To make me feel "happy"?
I'm so tired of being "happy"
I'm tired of being "okay"
Tired of being presentable to the general public
But
I'm scared to let them see what's on the inside
Scared of hearing them tell me that I'm lying to myself again
I'm scared of admitting how I really feel
Scared of admitting what I do to myself
Scared of admitting who I really am
All because I'm worried that I'll get told I'm wrong
That it's not real
That I'll get told to shut up
That I'll just get ignored again
That there might really be no "better" for me
