Original Stories

Not So Good

I saw some stuff about ED today and I started thinking about some stuff I wish I didn't do because I could've ended up with one if I kept up what I was doing.

I'm not sure if it'll get that bad in my rant, but just in case, I'm telling you now as a TW.

*EDIT*
Not even halfway through this I realized I should def put a Trigger Warning just in case. So now's your chance to leave if you don't wanna relive those memories or anything.

FrEsHmAn year of high school was not so good for me. I've already talked about my relationship issues a bit (I still don't feel like going into detail though, not that I remember much anyway).

But I remember purposefully not eating or sleeping and spending all my hours crying and telling myself I was worthless and terrible and all that jazz.

It was not fun and if I could do that whole year over again, I would.

To tell you the truth, I really don't remember anything other that all the crying and forced lack of sleep.

Also, having to put up with people I was close to threaten suicide and forcing me to keep things secret and them dumping their mental and family issues on me all the while not letting me go to the counselor for them OR for my own issues.

It was utter bullshit.

Also, the toxic "friends" I had that would threaten to hurt themselves and start cutting again if I "told on them."

Or the ones who constantly "needed" me because they knew I was naive and wouldn't give up on them because we "loved" each other.

And the ones who would lash out or ignore me for wanting to do something to help them feel better.

The one's who would constantly tell me they "didn't need help."

Literally, the friends I had that had ACTUALLY been to mental hospitals and stuff had more sense and were better about these issues.

Honestly, I'm still having trouble trying to kick some of them out of my life. The one I had major issues with doesn't even talk to me anymore, but I don't think they know that I want nothing to do with them. They don't really talk to me and never really treated me like a real friend and always said what I wanted to hear and let me ignore the things I didn't want to believe.

Sophomore year was utter bullshit as well, but mostly self-inflicted and I should have known better.

Just constant panic attacks and crying in class and leaving class almost every other day of the week to go to the counselor or cry in the hallway.

Most of this happened in my chemistry class because I was failing and didn't understand the material no matter what I did.

A lot of my anxiety from then had to do with schoolwork because I was failing and kept digging myself into a deeper whole that I thought I'd never get out of.

I don't know if what I was feeling then was being depressed, but I remember forcing myself not to eat or sleep, but especially eating.

I refused to eat. I didn't want to. I didn't think I deserved it. I felt like throwing up whether I did or not (but I never did throw up. I almost did a couple of times, but nothing ever happened.)

I specifically remember one time at lunch. It was winter, cold af. I was already shivering from lack of food and such, but I REFUSED to wear my coat because I "needed the pain."

I was trembling so bad I could not pick up the fork to eat my damn food. Once I managed to get it in my mouth, I couldn't fucking chew it. I was shaking so much I couldn't chew my own food. I spat my food out and threw it away and sat outside in the cold while my friends fussed over me and I ignored them.

I forgot to mention that when I cry or panic, I shake A LOT. You'd think I was a glass cup on the edge of a counter top.

*EDIT*
I forgot to mention how if I ate at all, I wouldn't eat very much because I felt like I needed to be hungry and that if I was full I was gonna puke.
I also skipped breakfast, lunch and snacks, but then ate at dinner because that was the only time my parents were really around to see me eat.

And all of this was literally from stress about my g r a d e s, not my body issues.

I also spent a lot of sophomore year crying into my friends arms while shaking and ranting about my issues, not realizing that they didn't need to hear that and that I'm not their problem and that they've got their own stuff to deal with.

I know, I know. Everyone tells me that it's okay, but it's really not. I don't think before I act and it's not fair to everyone who has to put up with it.

To everyone who's had to deal with that from me, thank you and I'm sorry. You can always turn me away and send me to a counselor or something. Honestly, I've gotten better at taking care of myself, so it's not that big of an issue.

So anyways then the GeNdEr DySpHoRiA became a thing, but that's a story for another time.

Now that my parents and counselor know about my previous eating habits, I am being forced to eat, even when I don't want to.

I know they do it cuz they care about me and know that I can fall back at any given point in time if I really felt messed up.

But I've been doing fine since quarantine, especially since there's no way for me to escape eating anyway.

I actually have a big appetite and eat a lot whenever I can. I love food and I like eating!

Heck, I have to go, but I'l rant tomorrow (maybe).