Original Stories

F.E.A.R.

Fuck
Everything
And
Run

So, you know how people who suffer from certain issues and they cut themselves?
Well, I never cut myself, but I did a bunch of other stuff I shouldn't have. And usually afterwards I would write about it (or I'd just write if I was in class and had to look like I was paying attention.)

I've been doing that for like the past 3 years now. I never kept the stuff from freshman year because it was just so, so, awful. Like, I couldn't even describe to you how much it hurt, even if I wanted to.

But after that I decided I'd keep everything I wrote so I could look back and remember the pain (I know, stupid, right?)

Well, I had forgotten all about that stuff and I found it when cleaning out my bookshelf.

Looking through it was like reopening scars or seeing someone joke about cutting when you're still recovering.

I'm not getting rid of it, but GOOD GOD I hate myself and everything came flooding back in.

It hasn't even been a year since I wrote most of that stuff and I can't decide whether I've gotten better or worse. Sometimes it's just one or the other depending on what I read.

But I'm keeping them and hiding them so I can reflect on it sometime.

That's a really shitty thing for me to do and I know it.

But something about that pain feels, well, kind of...

Actually, I can't describe that either.

I mean, it's not a happy feeling, but it's not a bad feeling either.

Maybe it's just because I know it's a part of me or because I've moved on or learned how to deal with it.

I don't know.

But depending on how deep it was for me, I might share it here with you guys.

I mean, you've already seen me have mental breakdowns and post them without any thought about it at all. And you've witness me anonymously confess my feelings without ever telling the mentioned person.

So really, what's the harm in it?