Black

Chapter 19

Today is going to be a day I'll never forget. When I woke up it felt like I ran a marathon the day before. All of my muscles were hurting and I was so exhausted. It's like my body is in rehab for the loss of a loved one. I putted on a black simple dress that came just under my knees.

I wasn't in the mood for makeup so I only putted my hair in a neat bun. More effort for my appearance isn't going to happen today. I'm sitting in Jason's large living room, watching the birds fly around the threes, when Jason approached me. "Are you ready?" He questioned me softly. I think he didn't want to scare me because of the soft, silent tone he spoke with.

I nod and stand up from the sofa, placing my handbag around my shoulder. The car ride went silent just like a predicted. I was very glad he didn't want to talk to me about my outbursts from yesterday. Like I care what he thinks of me. I know he doesn't like me and he wants me gone, but his guilt isn't letting me leave.

We arrive at the cemetary half an hour earlier then the visitors will show up. It was such a lovely morning. The sun was shining bright, a little breeze playing with my hair. I smile up at the sky. I know you're here Chris. He's watching me intently like he always had my back.

I swallow and follow Jason until we were standing at his coffin. A man in suit, who will be holding the ceremony shakes Jason his hand and then mine. "Good morning both of you, I'll let you two alone for a moment." He gave us a warm smile before leaving. Jason eyes me with a painful expression. "Do you want to be alone for a moment?" Jason asks me carefully. "Yes," I respond softly while fidgeting with my sleeve.

There he was laying so peaceful with his hands on his stomach. I stand beside his coffin with my hand on the edge of the wooden coffin. I really wanted to take his hand, but I was afraid to touch his cold, lifeless body. This isn't my Chris who could rule the world. The man who befriended with everyone because he was so nice and easy to talk with.

I felt myself getting sick again. My stomach fighting to deal with my rollercoaster of emotions. "I'm so sorry Chris. It's all my fault. I should have saved you but I didn't. I hope you can forgive me, please forgive me ...." I bursted out in tears. My weeping voice echoing through the trees. I let myself fall on my knees because of my lack of strength. My mind didn't want to see what was in front of me and my body just couldn't handle it anymore.

Suddenly I feel two hands on my shoulders. I knew who it was, but I kept thinking it were Chris his hands. He always cheered me up when I was sad and now that he's gone those pretious moments have died with him. My whole body fights against my sobs, but the feeling was to strong. I know this was going to happen.

The first days I went in denial. I couldn't believe it but the evidence was right in front of me. Chris is dead and he'll never be a part of my life again. I started to breath heavily feeling a large pressure on my chest. I putted my hand on my chest trying to calm myself down but the feeling only was getting worse.

I'm suffocating, I couldn't breath. Jason quickly turns me into his arms, placing his both hands on my cheeks. "Rose, breath. Try to breath calmly. "Ishana I need your help!" He yelled behind us. Ishana came running towards us kneeling beside me. "Hey Rose, look at me, just breath in and out, in and out. Calm and steady. Try to think of counting numbers starting from twenty. Focus on the numbers in your head." She spoke calmly, stroking my back gently.

"Good Rose, you're doing very well. Keep counting." She encourages me to carry on. After a few minutes I felt myself calming down. Slowly my breathing became calmer and the suffocated feeling dissapeared after a while. "Thanks Ishana, I'm so happy you're here." I tell her my tears still falling from my face. But I couldn't care she's my friend now. The only friend I've left. Ishana hugs me tightly. "Rose you're going to be fine. I'll be here for you Okay?" She admits gently.

I nod and try to stand up, but Jason helped me before I got the chance to do it by myself. When I look behind him I see a few people gathered around their cars watching us closely. I feel so stupid now.

The whole funeral I kept my eyes downcast. Jason stood beside me and Ishana on my other side. A few clients from the practice came after the funeral to me. They said something sweet and encouraging to me that gave me such a warm feeling. No matter how long the practice would be closed they would stay loyal to me. Most of them were old clients that i saw on regular base, so I knew them quite well.

Now came the hardest part. How to live without him, work without him? Time will heal all wounds they say so I hope in time I can think of him without crying. We drove back home after the funeral when everyone said there condolences. Ishana would be calling me in a few days. She has been so nice to me.

Arriving at Jason's place I quickly made my way upstairs to my room. Jason was silent the whole time. After my hyperventilation he didn't leave my side for a second. He always watched me intently it almost scared me. He was like my private stalker or something like that or my bodyguard. Tommorow I'll be thanking him for the efforts he has put into the funeral. It was very nice and simple just like Chris was as a person.

I showered myself quickly not even bothering to blow dry my hair. I putted on something comfortable and called grandpa to tell him the news about Chris. I left a few details away, but I had to talk to him. He didn't see me last sunday so he must be worried about me.

After I had cried on the phone with grandpa I hung up the phone. He was sad hearing the news. I promised him to call him in a few days and maybe pay him a visit when I'm feeling better. I need to call Janice too so I dialed her number.

"Hey sis, it's been a long time I've heard from you." Janice her voice echoed cheerful through the phone. "Hey Janice, I have some bad news ...." I explained her the same version as grandpa.

"Oh Rose, I'm so sorry to hear that. You two were so close." She explains softly, hearing her kids laugh at the back ground. A small smile appeared on my lips. It's been months since I saw them. "I know thanks. When can you come to visit me and grandpa? I would like to see you and the kids. It's been ages since I saw you and the kids." I whine silently, feeling another tear leaving my eye. She sighs for a moment. "I know Rose, I've been so busy with the kids and the practice. I promise you I'll visit you as soon as possible allright?" She asked me carefully.

"I can live with that. Thanks sis, give May and August a big kiss. Love you." With that being said I disconnected the call. I lay my phone on the bedside table and crawl under the sheets. I jawn and with my eyes closed I fall with big sobs asleep with memories of Chris in my mind.