where the water meets the moon | e.d.

forty

ethan

i wish i could explain the way i felt when i saw that addy was talking to this random guy. it was a weird, indescribable feeling.

my chest got tight and it was hard to focus on something else. i wish i knew why.

kendall dragged me out to watch the sunset about an hour ago, and i didn't even protest.

because maybe if we do normal things, everything will feel normal again.

but so far— no luck.

it should feel good to have her in my lap, her back pressed against my chest as she points out the changing colors.

it should feel nice to kiss her lips softly, gradually getting deeper.

and it definitely should feel right to say that i love her.

the three words tumble out of my lips with ease, but lately i've been questioning if i really mean it; if she even really means it.

"did you know that our sun is a dwarf star?" she asks out of nowhere, piercing the silence in the warm night air.

i tilt my chin down to look at her. "what?"

"yeah. every other star is bigger and brighter than out sun. weird, right?"

"very."

i can sense that she's frowning, but i don't ask why.

"ethan."

"hm?"

"do you feel okay?" she asks softly, reaching up a hand to touch my forehead.

wiggling away, i answer, "yeah. i'm fine."

we both know it's a lie, but i guess we're just too scared to ask any further questions.

this is the girl i thought i was going to marry.

and out of nowhere, i suddenly feel the feelings start to slip away and become less vibrant. i wish i knew why, and i certainly wish they would just stop.

"okay, well maybe we should go inside."

i furrow my eyebrows as she slowly gets up from my lap. "really? usually we're out here for like, three hours until—"

"goodnight," she forces up a smile, and reaches down to place a kiss on my lips. i barely kiss back.

kendall waits around for a moment, and i know what she wants. she's practically eye-begging me to ask her to stay in my room again tonight.

i just don't feel like it.

"goodnight," i whisper, and she nods while chewing on her lip.

i watch her walk away, across the pool yard and back into the hotel.

today was just so weird and i'm desperately hoping tomorrow is back to the way it usually is.