where the water meets the moon | e.d.

forty-six

ethan

by 9pm, kendall texts me that she and addy are back from their little scoop of the island, and that she's coming to my room.

the day was filled with reflection on myself, my actions, and what i need to do.

my mission: minimal drama. let's not rock the boat more than the waves already do.

and for that to work, i need to pretend that i still love kendall and deny my feelings for addison.

she's just so amazing. everything about her is amazing.

the way she treats other people, the way she talks to me like she's known me for years, the way she laughs and smiles even when a joke isn't funny. and the way she felt underneath me, tracing lines into my skin by gliding the tip of her finger along my body.

god, i want it all.

but it's going to have to wait.

and at 9:05, a small knock comes to my door and i jump up to get it. evan's still out, and he reported to me once again that he wouldn't be in the room for the night. apparently he met some guy at a bar, so i'll be needing to hear all the details about that later.

but for now, i'm looking directly at the face of my guilty conscience.

"hi," kendall grins, leaning up to kiss my lips swiftly, and move past me into my room. i shut the door behind us, and she takes a seat on my bed, dangling her legs a little.

"hi to you," i remark and fall backwards onto the bed next to her. "have fun?"

she smiles down at me and begins to run a hand through the hair on my forehead. "tons. addison's really great."

oh trust me, i know.

but obviously i don't say that. instead i nod and take a deep breath, trying to calm the nerves of the day.

"you seemed stressed out, baby," she mumbles with a frown, tracing a finger along the outlines of my face. "are you okay?"

"no, yeah," i reassure. "i'm fine. totally fine."

but i'm not. i really want to hear those words come out of addy's mouth, not kendall's.

it's still so weird to me that after two years, i've just fallen out of love. how is that even a thing? six months ago i would've told myself that kendall would be with me forever.

now i know that's not true.

she lays down next to me, still frowning. "you sure?"

"totally sure," i whisper before leaning in to kiss her softly.

and usually that would make it all okay. i would feel instant relief and comfort. but as of right now, i feel nothing but lips against mine. no fire anymore.

"okay," she barely whispers, nodding her head once i've pulled away. "that convinced me."

i smile a little and push the strand of curly blonde hair that blocks her eyes. i need to be good at acting like everything is okay, and so far i've only done mediocre.

"what did you guys do?" i ask.

"well, we went to dinner at this really good restaurant. i had chicken quesadillas, and addison told the waitress that it was my birthday, so we got free ice cream!"

i laugh, thinking of how much of an 'addison thing' that is to do.

"i'm glad you had fun. did you go anywhere else?"

"we tried to go to a couple attractions, but they were all closed. so then we ended up randomly back at the surf shop from the first day so she could look for this guy. i forgot his name, something with a d," she giggles.

my breathing hitches.
god damn it, dario.

"d-did she find him?"

thankfully, she shakes her head. "wasn't there. gave the manager her phone number though, and told him to give it to the guy."

"good," i say, and she gives me a funny look. i quickly recover by adding, "good that she gave her number, i mean. she must really like him then."

kendall shrugs, reaching her hand out to mess with my hair again. "maybe. i think it's just a spur of the moment romance, you know? the chances of them ever meeting again are low."

that somehow calms me.

i know there's a chance that addy will slip from me before the summer ends and i tell her how i feel.

but god i hope she doesn't.

"i have a good idea," kendall rolls onto her back and claps her hands once as she stares at the ceiling.

"what would that be?"

"how about you take off your clothes, then you take off mine, and then we don't put them on again until tomorrow morning. sound good?"

i admire at her straightforwardness with a laugh, trying to cover up the fact that i have no desire to do so. in fact, i'd rather she leave and i go to bed.

but obviously i'm not gonna say that.

because to her, i'm still in love.
so i need to act like it.

and while the entire process is so familiar because we've done it probably a hundred times over, then a couple more for good measure, i can't find myself enjoying it as much as that one single time with addison.

i find myself comparing how i feel in the stages of the night to how i felt during them with addison.

and each time, it's no surprise on who wins.