where the water meets the moon | e.d.

forty-nine

addy

i'm so confused.

the note stays hidden under my pillow all the way until the sun goes down and everyone gradually goes to their rooms for bed.

i'm tired, but can't even think of the idea of sleeping because i'm too stuck on what ethan could possibly want from me.

he's clearly not sleeping because i can't hear his usual mumbles, and that for some reason makes me ten times more nervous.

me hanging out with ethan under the stars isn't abnormal. we probably did it dozens of times.

but that was before i stupidly slept with him, then he rejected me, and now we're stuck on a boat with him and his girlfriend.

what am i even going to say to him? what does he want to say to me? does he want company? closure? advice? don't know. i have no expectations.

and right when the clock hits two am, i hear the soft thumps of his feet across the hardwood of the boat, and take a deep breath.

i wait a couple more minutes before slipping out my door and closing it softly behind me, then tip-toeing through the wheelhouse.

my hand grasps the doorknob to the deck, and my heart races.

before i can convince myself not to, i push it open and feel the night air engulf my lungs.

"i thought you weren't going to come," his voice sounds relieved, and i turn to see him in our usual spot.

"have i ever not?" i ask quietly.

he shakes his head, eyes looking deeply into mine. "nope."

"why am i out here, ethan?" i sigh, taking my seat next to him. "clearly things between us aren't the same as they used to be, and that sucks. but it's our fault."

"i know, i know," he says quickly. "but i wanted to talk."

"about what?"

"anything. talk about anything."

"why me?"

"because."

then i remember that one night he fell asleep out here, and started rambling.

"and talk. talk more," he mumbled almost incoherently, nestling his head into my arm more.

"well..." i start softly. "um, i wrote letters to my family yesterday. i'm ready to send them this friday."

he laughs only a little. "that's a little early."

"you can never be too early. anyway, i also bought my brother some cool souvenirs. my dad got a t shirt, and i brought my mom home a flower that you can press inside a book, then keep forever. isn't that impressive?"

"very," he nods, eyes humorous.

and suddenly it feels like everything between us is back to the way it used to be. when there was no kendall, no kiss, no tension, and only us and the moon.

"did i tell you the story about cressida and i making popcorn at 2am and almost burning down the hotel?" i laugh. "it was wild. we were laughing so hard and smoke was coming out of the box."

"if anyone were going to burn down the resort, i know it would be you."

i pretend to be offended. "what's that supposed to mean?"

he rolls his eyes, hiding a smile. "addy, seriously? you're like the most accident prone person i've ever met. do you remember that one day where you climbed to the top of the boat and almost fell off?"

i shudder at the memory. avery yelled at me, ethan laughed and gave me a hug because i was upset about being scolded, then evan made fun of me for it for days.

ethan giving me a hug then seemed very platonic, but now i look back on it and envy that i didn't cherish it, since now i've kind of hopelessly fallen for the guy.

"the roof was slippery, okay?" i try to conceal a laugh, but it slips out anyway.

he smiles slightly, just looking at me.

see, i wish he wouldn't do stuff like that. it makes me feel horrible knowing his heart isn't racing out of his chest, and he's just simply looking at me. that's it.

"so, how's kendall adjusting?" i ask, and the smile falters from his face.

"good," he clears his throat, looking away. "yeah, she's good."

"hey," i frown. "you're lying."

"no i'm not."

"uh, yeah," i reach out and force his head to turn back to me. "you are."

his eyes are glassy and sharp, startling me a little by how deeply they're staring into mine. i slowly drop my hand from his chin and feel my breathing accelerate when i see that his stare isn't wavering from me.

"are you okay?" i ask a little shakily.

then he shakes his head. "no," he confesses quietly, but with a sense of urgency and passion. "i'm not okay."

"w-why not?"

"because you."

i blink, pulling away. "what?"

"because you. i can't take it anymore, addy, i just can't."

"well, why?" i ask, feeling panicky. my palms start to sweat, and i wipe them on my leggings.

he shakes his head and avoids my eyes. "all this time i thought that it would just go away."

"i don't know what you're talking about, ethan."

"i thought that when kendall joined the trip, all of the thoughts would just bury deep down and never resurface again, because i was so sure that i was supposed to be with her," he continues like i didn't say anything.

what? what's going on?

"ethan if you don't tell me, i can't help you."

he suddenly turns back to me, face being illuminated by the bright moonlight. an expression i've only ever seen once clouds his face, and the sudden realization settles in my stomach.

before i can even begin to process it, he quickly leans in and connects his lips with mine.