where the water meets the moon | e.d.

forty-four

ethan

last night replays in my head as i eat breakfast with kendall, trying to ignore the gnawing in my stomach that i blame on hunger.

*flashback*

i collapse, feeling completely breathless and unable to speak. she pants into my neck as my face rests on her shoulder and collarbone.

wow. i don't know how else to describe it.

she's quiet for awhile until i finally roll off, putting us side by side.

"ethan," she whispers, and her voice is quiet, scared.

i don't have the words to speak when the only thing i can focus on is the whirring of emotions flooding my head.

"ethan?" she says again, this time a question.

i'm scared to look at her.

i'm scared, because the thing i feared most came true. it's not kendall, and it hasn't been kendall for awhile.

it's addison.

oh my god it's addison, isn't it?

she takes my silence and refusal to look at her as a bad sign, as she immediately pushes off the covers and starts to scour the room for her clothes.

"wow, what has gotten into me? i really did that, didn't i?" she rambles off to herself nervously as she hops back into her shorts. all i can do it watch, hoping to not run my mouth and say things i could
possibly regret.

"god, i'm such a home-wrecker," she groans, hitting her forehead with one hand and covering her chest with the other arm.

i want to step in and say something, but there's no way i could and not start bursting at the seams telling her everything before i even get it sorted out myself.

i'm still quiet as she hooks on her bra, slips on her shirt, and turns to me still laying in the bed, watching her every move.

"say something," she pleads, looking desperate and confused.

and honestly— so am i.

i open my mouth to speak, but quickly shut it.
her face falls at that, and i try to find the words to reassure her that it's not what she thinks it means.

"i- i need to go," she rushes out, grabbing her belongings and stalling to see if i'll say anything. i don't. "i really, really need to go."

i don't want her to.

i want her to lay in this bed with me for hours and talk about the most random things like we usually do. and for her to kiss me like she did an hour ago. i want her to tell me her favorite poems while she plays with my hair, or even just be there beside me, not saying anything because we don't have to.

but of course, i'm an idiot that stays quiet because i can't even find the words to say right now. i'm so tongue tied to the point where i don't even think i could get out a full sentence.

because that was amazing.

every single moment was amazing.

addy looks at me as i sit up and tilt my head to the side, not being able to take my eyes off of her.

but i guess she takes my silence as disappointment, because she nods and swallows a lump in her throat.

"you know now, don't you?" she asks quietly.

i can only nod.

i know. i know what i want.

"and it's not... this."

i keep quiet still, because i can't let myself talk until i've sorted out everything with myself first.

and before i can even try to explain anything, she's out the door, leaving it clicking softly behind her.

*end of flashback*

"hey, mopey," kendall frowns, breaking me from my trance from staring at the wall and reliving the memory. "what's up with you?"

"nothing," i recover with a smile and run my hand along her thigh— something i would usually do to reassure her. but right now, it feels like a forced action from a robot. "do you like your waffles?"

"oh my god, try some," she offers, holding out her fork with a bite of whipped cream waffles and fresh fruit.

i eat the bite, but it takes everything in me to force it down. i cheated. i slept with addy, and now i have to pretend like everything is normal in front of kendall.

i'm so disgusted with myself. my mom didn't raise me to be a cheater, and totally went against all my morals just because i was caught up in the moment of wanting to know how i really feel.

and now that i do, it's eating me alive.

"good?" kendall asks, eyes searching for an answer.

i nod. "too much whipped cream, otherwise yes."

she laughs and pushes her empty plate forward, leaning back in her chair. people move all around us, laughing, talking, eating, messing with the juice machine, etc. i'm jealous that none of them are facing the internal battles that i am.

but, even with all the guilt... i can't find myself regretting it.

and it makes me sick that if i were to go back, i would probably do it again in a heartbeat.

suddenly, the tables next to us are occupied by three smiling people. well— two are smiling.

addy is looking at anywhere but me, which causes my chest to feel heavier than normal. she thinks that i thought it was bad, and that i still want kendall.

but i made a deal with myself last night.

to avoid drama at all costs for the rest of the summer, i force myself to stay with kendall and go back to normal with addison.

that way when we all dock back in florida, i can break things off with kendall and tell addy how i really feel.

and who knows... maybe she'll still feel the same?