where the water meets the moon | e.d.

forty-two

ethan

sleep is never a thing for me when i'm stressed, and it clearly shows as i look at myself in the mirror the next morning— puffy eyes, big bags, discolored face.

safe to say i don't know what the hell to do.

i blew up on her, i really did.

she tried to kiss me, and for a moment i almost tried to kiss back.

but i know that even with kendall and i's problems, that's wrong. she knows it's wrong.

so why would she do it? why would she put me in that situation?

the last thing i said to her before i ran back to my room was, don't do that to me.
meaning that if i didn't pull away when i did, i would've had to face kendall today with so much regret and filth.

but the regret and dirty feeling is still there, because it honestly took everything in me not to crash my lips against addison's when i had the chance.

i hate that i feel like a cheater, even when i'm not.

evan knocks on the bathroom door, breaking me from my train of thought. "it's open," i call out.

he slowly appears as the door slides open, and frowns at me still not even making an effort to get ready for the day.

"i think we're meeting the girls for breakfast. gonna come?"

i rub my eyes and shake my head. "no."

he nods, clearly expecting my answer. "okay. well... text me if you want to meet up with us later in the day."

"okay."

after he leaves, the guilty feeling pressing down on my chest is even bigger than before. i can't seem to get rid of it, even though i did technically everything i should have done.

but i didn't do everything i wanted to do.

what i wanted to do was feel what it was like, know if it would have been a mistake or not.

i gave up the only chance i had at seeing if... maybe kendall isn't the one for me anymore.

i feel like as soon as i start to come to terms with my possible developing feelings, i shut them down immediately because my brain still tells me i need to be devoted to kendall.

but my heart is tugging me somewhere else.

it eats me up the rest of the morning, now adding confusion to the mixture of guilt and regret.

even as i sit in the hotel restaurant, barely eating a bowl of mac n cheese and staring at my phone in debate of texting kendall.

she's definitely out with the rest of them, not knowing a single thing while i sit here trying not to be eaten alive by my own mind.

when addison leaned in, i had two seconds to decide on what i wanted the night to end like.

1. the way i chose. me pulling away out of morality, telling her she shouldn't have done that, and leaving immediately.