where the water meets the moon | e.d.

sixty-two

ethan

it's safe to say that no one dares to
move from their room saturday morning. all of us are holed up in tight quarters like we have been since yesterday afternoon.

i didn't sleep, and i'm guessing neither did addy or kendall.

my mind is telling me the logical thing to do would be to get through to kendall, explain, apologize, and get some closure. it doesn't have to be good closure, but closure nonetheless.

but my heart is dying for me to run into addy's room, fall into her bed and curl up next to her until this entire storm blows away.

but it won't blow away, because i created it.

there's no doubt in my mind that kendall will pack her things up and get off this boat within a matter of the next couple days, but i have to explain myself first. i can't have her thinking i did it just to hurt her feelings, when in reality it's the exact opposite. i dragged our relationship on so i didn't have to make her upset. i swear my intentions were good.

my ears perk up when i hear footsteps in the kitchen, but by the weight of them i can tell that they're captain avery's.

i lay my head back down on my pillow and breathe a sigh through my nose, feeling totally unsure of what to do. evan's more mad at addison than he is at me, which doesn't make sense at all. if anything, everyone should be mad at me and not addy. she had no loyalties to kendall, but i did.

i'm a cheater. that's exactly what i am.

but every time i try to condemn my mind, it always moves back to addy and her bright, bubbly smile. she's upset at herself more than anything right now, and i wish she would just let me in so we could talk about it. i wish kendall would let me in, too.

an idea pops into my head, and i sit up slowly, looking around for the notepad that i keep on my dresser. when i find it, i grab a pen and begin thinking of the ways i could possibly start explaining myself.

kendall,

i'm the last person you want to hear from right now, and i get that. i totally get it. you have every single right to hate me, but i just want to let you know that i didn't do it to hurt you. i promise. you've always been a good girl for me, and i'm sorry that i messed up like this. i should've been honest with you about my doubts in our relationship, but i was scared. this has definitely hindered your view of me, but it's okay. i deserve that. what i did was totally out of character from myself, but please don't blame anyone else but me. it was all my fault, i promise.

i'm sorry things had to end like this. i sincerely hope you find a good guy that you deserve.

- ethan

the words flow out of me, and i know they're not enough.

you can't just forgive someone for cheating on you a day after it happens, but i still slide the note under her door and wait for some signal that she saw it. the light footsteps across the floor make me let out a relieved sigh.

i'm half-expecting it to get pushed back under, but it doesn't. i think she's reading it.

i lean against the wall for a minute, trying to hear any mumbling under her breath. when nothing comes, i start to turn away.

but the door opens, revealing kendall holding the note.

i look at her, surprised.

she stares back blankly at me.

"you got the note—" i start to motion to it in her hands.

"shut up, ethan. let me talk."

"wow, okay," i mumble.

"you should come in."

the possibilities of her luring me into her room to potentially kill me and get away with it float through my mind, but i take a seat on her desk chair anyway.

"i don't forgive you," she starts off. "i'll probably never forgive you."

i nod. "i understand that."

"but..." she sighs, avoiding my eyes. "i don't hate you."

my head whips back up as i look at her with undeniable shock. "what?"

"i was having doubts too," she mutters. "and i, also, didn't deal with them in the very best way."

"are you saying that you...?"

"no. i didn't cheat. i don't stoop that low."

i swallow a growing lump in my throat.

"but i did lie," she sighs. "i didn't have family problems, ethan. i just didn't want to spend an entire summer with you."

oh.
ow.

"and now that we're done, i can finally say that. ethan, you were a good guy to me. i mean, not now of course," she quickly says. "but those two years were great. i'm so upset it ended like this, but it's for the best."

"i'm sorry i hurt you."

she shrugs. "bad breakups are good for self discovery."

i laugh a little, totally and utterly surprised by her newfound sense of calmness about this entire thing. yesterday she was off the walls screaming.

"and if you did cheat on me..." she starts to drag her words. "i'm glad it was with someone like addison. she seems worth it."

i furrow my eyebrows. "are you okay? yesterday you slapped her."

"i was mad— and still am— but i know that you guys are relatively good people."

relatively good people. i'll take it.

"so... i'm guessing you're leaving?"

she nods. "i talked to avery last night. i'm switching onto boat 1 for the rest of the time. i leave tomorrow morning."

"well... good luck."

"you too?" she says as more of a question.

i'm very pleasantly surprised at her reaction now, but then it dawns on me that she messed up too. not as bad, of course. but she still lied to me as well. we were both out of the relationship before it ended.

i want to say something more, but i figure i should just get out while she's not yelling.

so i close the door softly behind me and step out into the hall, my eyes on the next thing i need to fix. i feel like this one will be way easier or way harder, there's no telling.

slowly i take the note from my pocket that i wrote earlier after kendall's and slip it underneath addy's door, also knocking little so she sees it.

i say a little prayer before going back to my room.