where the water meets the moon | e.d.

thirty-three

addy

june 27

i am in a panic.

a couple nights ago, ethan and i fell asleep out on the deck, and i just can't seem to look at him the same. i used to either glare or want to try to get him all mad and huffy for a couple laughs, but now i don't want to do that.

he seems pretty normal, making all the same sarcastic remarks and teasing me.

so why am i acting different and he's not?

it terrifies me to the point where i'm back to not making eye contact with him every afternoon during research and study.

ethan looks confused, but doesn't ever say anything.

he tries to prompt me to talk at dinner and breakfast, even knocking on my door a couple times to ask if i want to fish with him.

but i'm scared.

i'm scared that what i'm feeling is something i can't be feeling. for multiple reasons. so i'm simply denying it and hoping it goes away.

after dinner, i call evan into my room just so i can have someone to get my mind off everything.

i just need to be around anyone but ethan.

"what's up?" he asks, taking a seat on my bed.

"um..." my eyes fleet over to my nightstand, where a couple bottles of nail polish reside. i grab them quickly. "what color?"

i have no desire to paint my nails right now, but i can't tell him the truth.

he looks between the bright blue and dove white.
"blue. is that all you need?"

he starts to get up, but i grasp his arm desperately, tugging him back down. "no, we should paint them together."

"but blue and white really aren't my colors," he wrinkles his nose down at them. "have anything else?"

i stand up and begin to rifle through the suitcase under my bed, and pop back up with an olive green, black, and purple.

"oh, fun. i'll take the purple," he says happily and plucks it from my hands.

i let out a quiet sigh of relief and try to relax, telling myself that i have no reason to be nervous around evan. it's just fun bonding time.

"so... you've been acting weird," he mumbles as soon as he uncaps his bottle.

i whip my head up. "what? who says?"

"ethan was telling me about it. you're quiet. the addy i know is never quiet."

i bite my lip, trying to think of a response. "haven't been feeling the greatest."

"really? you were fine like, three days ago. what's wrong? do you think you're sick?"

"no, not physically sick. just... out of it. does that make sense?" i ask as i take the first stroke of the sapphire blue to my thumb.

"yeah, it does. why?" he asks, focusing closely on his own nails.

"i don't know," i lie. "might just be a quick mood thing. i'll be back."

hopefully.

"well, good. ethan thinks it's his fault."

"do you guys just talk about other people? is that what you do?" i ask accusingly.

"mostly you."

i stop my hand. "what?"

he shrugs, looking kind of bored and unbothered. "he's always asking me when something is wrong with you. don't know why."

swallowing deeply, i try to stop my trembly hand as i go back to painting the rest of my nails.

i'm one hand in when a light knock comes to my door.

"come in," i say without thinking a second more, then i partially regret it.

ethan appears in my doorway, looking surprised to see both evan and i. "hey, i've been looking for you. the both of you, i mean..."

evan doesn't seem phased by his half assed correction and says, "okay, well we're here. what do you want?"

he glances down at the bed set up. "what are you guys doing?"

"she dragged me into doing my nails. want some?"

"have any color that isn't as bright as a highlighter? i would consider it, if so."

i hold up the dark olive green, and he raises his eyebrows at it.

"do i have to do my fingernails? i feel like avery would flame me."

"you can do your toes," evan suggests, and ethan seems to be content with that.

personally, i know he's just participating to be included and not because it's his dying wish to paint his toenails green.

but nevertheless, he sits on the floor and takes off his socks in preparation for the polish.

"so... how do i do this..." he mumbles more to himself as he uncaps the bottle and dips the brush in a couple times.

"just how it seems, e," evan says. "try your best."

he laughs a little, and i notice him looking at me to see if i am too. but i avoid his eyes, because i know that if i look into them i'll come to terms with how i'm feeling.

he is kendall's. kendall is his.

what kind of person would i be if i didn't fully understand that?

and especially when he's come to me about his relationship problems. it would be so unfair and so unlike me to use them against him and give false advice.

so that's exactly what i'm not gonna do.

i think i can push past this if i just set my mind straight and try to think of him as more of a brother. but no matter how hard i try, i just can't seem to.

i must be staring at nothing, because evan waves a hand in front of my face and gives me a concerned look when i snap out of it.

forcing a smile, i go back to painting my nails.

i try to avoid ethan's gaze burning into the side of my face.