where the water meets the moon | e.d.

fifty-eight

ethan

"there she is!" avery exclaims, causing me to lift my head up from my cereal bowl.

addy is awkwardly walking into the kitchen, hair damp and comfortable clothes on. "hey, guys."

"24 hour fever?" evan asks.

she nods and takes a seat next to him, across from me. "i guess. woke up and i felt okay, just stuffy."

"keep taking the cold and flu pills," i instruct, then take a bite of lucky charms right after.

"thanks, captain obvious."

"thanks, captain obvious," i mock her tone and high pitched voice. her eyes narrow, and i try to hold back my laugh.

kendall looks between the two of us, then down at her cereal bowl. i take a sip of juice with my right hand, and place the other on her knee, squeezing a little. that seems to calm her, and she goes back to her cereal.

"kendall, i really like your hair," addy says, referring to the two french braids that run down the back  of her head.

she looks up, slightly surprised. "thank you."

"i'm really bad with hair, so you'll have to teach me how to do it."

"oh, yeah, totally. it's actually really easy, but it makes my arms hurt sometimes," kendall laughs lightly.

"you guys should be diving partners," i say suddenly.

evan seems unfazed, but when i sneak a glance at avery he looks unsettled. like he knows something nobody else does.

"i'm down. you?" addy asks.

kendall nods. "sure, okay."

perfect. maybe they can be friends again and when this all come crashing down in flames it can hurt a little less. or the opposite. don't really know yet.

after breakfast, i start to clean up when kendall grabs my arm and ushers me into her room.

"what's wrong?"

"cut the crap. you're acting sus."

i stand there with widened eyes as she folds her arms over her chest, a suspicious look on her face.

"no clue what you're talking about," i lie convincingly.

"yes you do! i feel like you're so different than you were before you left."

"so are you!" i shoot back quietly. "i think we all make changes to ourselves every now and then."

"i- i don't know, ethan," she shakes her head. "you hardly ever even touch me. and every time you do, it feels forced."

"you know how i feel about PDA, kendall. if there weren't three other people around at all times then i probably would return your energetic levels."

not a lie, i probably would. public displays of affection make me so uncomfortable and i try to avoid them at all costs. but we're always in front of people right now.

"fine, but what about pushing me to be diving partners with addison? i thought we would be together?" she asks frustratedly.

"i thought that you two could do it and clear some air," i explain quietly and evenly.

"clear some air? i'm fine with addison. i think the person i need to clear some air with is you," she raises an eyebrow challengingly.

"then maybe act like you don't want to kill her every moment of the day?" i suggest, my voice growing louder. "maybe try to be as nice as she is to you?"

her jaw sets and she turns away, looking at anything else besides me. "whatever. fine. i don't care."

"same."

"then let's leave."

"go," i motion to the door, fed up with these constant arguments about whether i'm suspicious.

i definitely am, but that's for her to find out later. and she probably won't even have to know i've been cheating on her if i do it well enough.

we go out to the deck where addy is blowing her nose, evan is figuring out how to wear the oxygen tank like a backpack, and avery is pretty much rolling his eyes at anything that breathes.

"evan and ethan you're scouting west and south, addy and kendall can do east and north. got it?"

i nod. "for sure."

"suit up, then. what are you waiting for? we don't have all day," he grumbles and messes with the ropes.

we actually do, but i don't say that.

evan and addy are already in their wetsuits, causing kendall and i to be alone again in the boat. there's silence between the two of our room as we both fume with frustration at the other.

and when we both meet in the hallway at the same time, she rolls her eyes. i roll mine.

i have got to get away from this relationship. august 18 couldn't come any sooner, and i'm dying for the moment i can detach from that part of my life.

i think the reason i'm not sad is because i was sad a long time ago. i was over this relationship before i even met addison, but was too scared to do anything. i thought it was salvageable, and it's not.

kendall was an amazing part of my life, but i need to let go.

because if i hold on, it'll only do more damage to me and my mental capacity of a relationship. i like addison because i don't feel the need to be the best person i can be at all times around her. she accepts my flaws, and recently kendall hasn't been. everything is my fault with her, and i just can't keep taking the blame anymore.

the thoughts whir through my head as i get all my equipment on and feel the weight of not just the buoyancy compensator, but all the built up emotions from the summer.

but then i take one look at addison's smiling face as avery cracks a joke while setting up her gauge, and i i know that i'm ultimately making the right decision.

before we all set out, i give everyone a high five to not seem suspicious when i reach out to give her one. she looks at me funny, but slaps my palm anyway.

"good luck," i warn.

she places her hands on her hips and looks out to the water.

"i think we'll both need it."