where the water meets the moon | e.d.

fifty

ethan

after only a second, she's kissing me back sweetly and bringing me in closer, closing the gap between us to the point where there's barely an inch of space between our bodies.

it's riveting, it truly is. the feeling of her against me sends instant relief throughout my body, begging for her to never ever pull away.

her hands trail up from my chest to my jaw, then they circle around my neck loosely, playing with the curls of hair on the back of my head.

the only sound between us is our sharp gasps every couple of seconds when one of us makes the kiss deeper. it's rushed, urgent, and well overdue.

my lips travel down to her jaw before i feel her untangle her arms from around my neck, and push my chest back.

i resist for a moment, but then she always turns her head away, disconnecting our lips.

"what?" i ask quietly, starting to worry.

when she turns back to me, her eyes are guilt-coated and wide. "kendall, ethan. kendall."

"i don't want kendall," i claim. "i don't want her."

"then what the hell do you want, ethan?" she urges, clearly fed up and tired with my indecisiveness.

there's a skip of silence between us as i don't remove my stare from her eyes. then with a slow, hesitant hand, i reach up and push a strand of her hair back.

"you," i whisper so quietly.

she closes her eyes and takes a calming breath, and it's clear she's on the verge of tears. "why would you say that when you let me leave your hotel room thinking the opposite?"

"i- i don't know," i admit. "i was scared that i would throw away everything i had ever known by breaking things off with kendall. i was scared of admitting everything to myself."

"you hurt me. i put myself on the table— all of me— and you just let me think the wrong thing. every morning since that night you've woken up and kissed your girlfriend good morning like nothing happened," she spits. "so how am i supposed to believe that you actually want me when you let me get hurt by you?"

"i'm sorry," i murmur, feeling an overwhelming sense of heaviness flood my chest.

i guess i never really thought about how much it affected her by seeing kendall and i after she had laid it all out for me.

if i was in her position, i wouldn't even be looking at me right now.

"i don't accept it," she says coldly.

i gulp and nod. expected.

"can i at least explain myself?"

"i'd like to see you try."

i let out a breath before choosing the words in my head carefully. "when i kissed you... it was to see if the strange feeling in my stomach was because of you. if you were the reason i realized i don't love kendall anymore."