where the water meets the moon | e.d.

forty-eight

ethan

i couldn't help it. if i have to hide my feelings for another month, the least i can do is hint to her that i think she's beautiful.

the compliment left her quiet and slightly surprised.

"thank you," she whispered and left out the door.

this is a lot harder than i expected. every time i see her face i just want to tell her that she's wrong, and i do feel the same way. i feel myself slipping away from kendall more and more every minute we're together, because i've learned that we just don't work like we used to.

i don't feel that sense of energy that i feel when i'm around addy.

after kendall got done touring the outside of the boat with evan, she comes into my room and lays at the bottom of my bed, not saying anything.

"you okay?" i raise an eyebrow.

"totally," she yawns. "the early morning is just catching up with me."

"i get it," i nod. then a laugh slips out as i think of everyone on the boat's sleeping habits. "evan and avery are early risers, but addy is the worst at getting up on time. one morning we—"

"do we have to talk about addison?" she interrupts with a tone of annoyance.

"what?" i ask, confused.

"you always seem to bring her up. stop."

"oh... okay."

"and the nickname. you rarely ever call people nicknames unless you're close to them."

my eyebrows knit together. "what are you saying?"

she sighs a little. "i love you. i trust you. i love addison. i know you and her are good friends, but any girl would hate to have their boyfriend bring up someone else in a conversation."

"i didn't realize i was doing it."

"and that's the problem," she whispers so quiet i can barely hear.

"what?"

"nothing," she looks back to me, but her eyes are misty and clouded over.

another thing if i'm going to convince kendall that i still love her: drop addison's nickname and never bring her up.

that might be hard to do, considering her name runs in circles through my mind constantly.

i swallow a lump in my throat and silence overcomes the room. my disposable camera that i haven't used in a couple days since those beach photos lays on top of my suitcase, and kendall reaches out for it.

i don't know how i'll explain to her why there's so many pictures of addy, but i'll figure it out. maybe i'll give them to her before kendall can find them.

it's not wrong, it just seems sus.

at lunch, addy eats quietly, standing up and leaning against the counter. evan gives her a funny look, but she doesn't respond with anything back.

"you look like we just killed your dog," avery chimes in then takes a large bite of his sandwich.

she offers a weak, unconvincing smile. "yeah, sorry. i just miss cressida."

and that seems to be enough to dismiss everyone's concerns, but not mine.

i know her better than that.

while everyone digs into their food again, my eyes are trained onto her dim face. i notice her eyes flick between kendall and i, then land back on me.

she shrugs, and ducks her head.

to make sure no one noticed my stare lingering, i grab a napkin and pretend to wipe something off my shirt. kendall doesn't seem to notice a thing.

even when a giant rain cloud is over her, i still find myself wanting to stare at addison for hours. she just has this sense that makes everyone stop and turn for a minute.

maybe it's the way her hair falls just right, cascading down her back and shining with her caramel highlights.

or maybe it's the way she smiles when anything seems to trigger someone else's happiness, causing a domino effect out of all of us.

or when she makes fun of me and laughs, and i just can't ever seem to be mad because the sound of her having fun never fails to make my face beam.

or possibly it's the fact that her eyes are the same color as the ocean, and every time i look out into the water from the observation deck my mind immediately goes to her and her eyes.

"ethan," evan snaps a finger in front of my face.

i jerk out of my daze and looks back up at the table.
"yeah? sorry."

"you were spacing out, man," he shakes his head and goes back to eating his sandwich.

"he just does that sometimes," kendall shrugs.

i turn out from the conversation again and stare out the window, hoping for something to cross my mind that i could do to help ease the pressure on me keeping my feelings at bay.

and then it hits me as my eyes catch the horizon.

after lunch when everyone is cleaning up, i snag a piece of paper from the notebooks we use for research.

i scribble something onto it and slide it under addison's door before anyone can see me.

where the water meets the moon.

-ethan