Twdg | Luke and Nick | idk who to love...

I can't...

The hallway became blurry and my feet became sore. I could feel my throat becoming parched and I could hear my heart beating, clearly unable to keep up with my pace. Every step I took was another opportunity for my lungs to express their discomfort as I realised my shortness of breath. But as I heard Luke's footsteps not far behind, this somehow fuelled me to keep going.

I rushed down the stairs and into the kitchen, barricading the door just in time. I couldn't do this... I can't. It was one thing to be raped, being stripped of your dignity and worth. Carver didn't give two shits about me and I knew that from the beginning. But Luke? He is my boyfriend for God sake! Well, from my point of view, was...

My head suddenly jerked as I felt the door being violently shoved. Then I heard a voice.

"ASHLEY! Let me come in! I --- I can explain!"

"FUCK YOU!" I screamed back. "I GET RAPED AND THIS IS WHAT I EXPECT FROM YOU?! JUST FUCK YOU!" I was on the verge of tears. I couldn't do it... These emotions were literally killing me. Literally...

I scanned the counter top, looking for a distraction and there I saw it; a litre bottle, full of whiskey. I didn't think twice as I abandoned my post and lunged for the drink.

I felt myself strain hard as I twisted open the lid, breaking some of my finger nails in the purpose. I placed my nose onto the open door and took a whiff. It smelt disgusting and the fumes were already starting to fill up the whole room. I brought the bottle to my mouth, tilting it a bit. I felt myself gag as the foul liquid slumped down my throat, leaving a burning after taste. Immediately I began to relax as I felt the effects, the numbing of my emotions. I felt... Good. I brought it to my mouth again, this time guzzling it down, only stopping to take a short breath. It wasn't long before my stash was empty. But that didn't matter. I was happy and I was slowly beginning to forget everything. Everything that mattered. I was in my own true bliss.

I grabbed another, but the sensation caused it to slip between my fingers. I heard the glass smash then laid my eyes upon the pool of red. I found myself in an unusual satisfaction. Somehow the pain seemed to satisfy me. But the effects were wearing off, almost as fast. I needed something to focus on, something other than this. I grabbed a knife, positing myself in front of the sink. I was going to wash my sins away, I was going to get rid of all the bad memories, all the pain, the hurt, the suffering. The knife was sharp and cold, a resemblance to my life.

"Ashley! Open the door please!" I heard Luke say, bringing back the memories.

I didn't think twice. I slashed my wrist, letting the knife dig deep into my flesh. And as I watched the blood drip into the sink and into the plug hole, I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was as if I was a ghost, human all the same but without a soul.

And the suddenly the door barged open, showing a panicked looking Luke and a confused Jane. I don't know what it was: what they had done, or their fixated stare on my arm, but I found myself fuelling my body into a whole new emotion. Anger.

"Ashley... Oh my god... What have you --- "

"Stay the FUCK back!" I shrieked, using the now bloody knife as a weapon.

"Stay back, Luke." Jane cautioned, placing her hand on his shoulder. This only aggravated me even more.

Luke must've sensed this, as he flicked Jane's hand away, turning his attention back to me.

"You have to understand, Ashley... I didn't mean to hurt you I just --- "

"Fuck you Luke --- FUCK YOU!"

"You don't have to do this... You --- you don't have to... Oh god I'm so so sorry..." He placed his head in his hands. "I know you've been through a lot, I know. But you don't have to do this... It's not right --- "

"Oh really? Well guess what? I'm doing this because of you! You're the one person I trusted, the one person who I thought gave a damn about me and you do this?! WELL FUCK YOU!" I reach out to slap him, but the alcohol means that my sense of coordination is terrible. I ended up hitting my hand on a nearby wall.

By this point I sensed that we had gained a small crowd. I could hear the laughs, the gasps, the excitement. It just made me sick, adding to the list of my problems. Then that feeling changed as I watched Luke slowly approach me.

"Luke... I'm warning you..." I snarled, almost feeling sympathetic as I watched the tears swimming in his eyes.

"Luke... We --- I'd go if I were you." For the first time ever, Jane actually looked scared.

"Ashley, please..."

"I'm warning --- I mean it Luke!" I didn't want to hurt, him I really didn't. But he was making that hard.

In a split second of a thought, I found myself upon of sight of Luke touching my arm. I didn't think twice as I tried to shove the knife deep into his pancreas, but he stopped me at the last moment.

"Ashley! PLEASE!" He was really sobbing now, tears streaming down his face.

"Just leave me the fuck alone." I ordered, my voice close to a whisper.

Luke opened his mouth to object but I tightened the grip on the knife, to which he took notice of. He sighed, giving in as Jane moved herself from the door. I slammed it shut behind me, hearing the jeers and cheers from the kitchen. I ran upstairs, my arm still bloody as hell, blood dripping on every step. As I made my way to the bathroom I caught sight of my reflection. I felt shame, embarrassment. I fumbled through the cupboard, trying to hopefully find another secret stash. I succeeded, and as I placed my nose on the top, found that it had a much stronger scent. But the stronger the better.

I let the liquid make its way down my body, meanwhile hoping for the effect to come soon after. Only it never did. All that came was the blurring of my sight, the dizziness in my head and the unwilling urge to throw up. This combined with the betrayal, the lies, the rape, the cheat, it's too much. I couldn't do this.

I held the knife to my throat. It would all be over, everything would be over. Gone would be the temporary happiness and permanent disappointment. Gone would be the lasting effect of betrayal. It would be quick and I would be in eternal bliss. I would be in peace.

I blinked a couple times, trying to take in my last surroundings before closing my eyes fir the last time. I brought the knife to my throat once again, letting the sharp metal touch my gentle skin.

"Goodbye." I whispered. And as I raised the knife, I felt my last tear escape my eyes. Or... Maybe not?

My hand had suddenly lost its weight and I could no longer feel the sharp blade in my palm. I then felt someone pull me towards them, into a hug.

"Ashley... Oh my god... It's okay, it's okay."

I felt the urge to push them away, but somehow the resistance canceled the urge out. I waited until the hug was over, when the strangers eyes locked into mine. And then I realised, there was only one person I knew with eyes like that.

Nick...