Heaven From Here

one

Send someone to love me, I need to rest in arms

Better Man, Robbie Williams

9 Months ago...

The strobe lights were flashing a rainbow of colours on the dance floor. It was packed to the brim with writhing masses of bodies. Pushing and pulling, there were all connected somehow. Either their hands touched, their bodies pressed firmly against another or their lips pressed against anothers. They were all somehow interconnected bodies.

But in all this, Saif felt lost. Alone. He was aching for a connection tonight. It didn't matter if it was only physical, but he needed it. He was standing stock still between all the bodies that were writhing and swaying to the rhythm of the music.

His hair was plastered to his forehead, and the t-shirt that he had on was soaked with his sweat. Breathing heavily, he felt that lump in his throat grow bigger. The same lump that had been there all morning since he had picked up the newspaper and read the headlines.

He swallowed that lump as a soft, pliable body pressed up against his. He looked down and saw blonde, almost white hair. He could only see the head bobbing up and down, moving to the rhythm of the music. He put his hand on the back of the neck to still the movement. She looked up at him and Saif saw glazed brown eyes blinking at him in confusion but moving closer to him.

It was a split-second decision as Saif smashed his lips against her. They kissed like their life dependent on it. Like his life depended on it. He could taste the vodka cranberry on her tongue and bile rose in his throat. Instead of stopping he forced himself to tighten his grip on her, drawing her in closer.

They parted as they panted harshly. Holding Saif's hand tight, she pulled him out of the crowd towards the exit of the club. The cold and the silence were a stark difference from the heat and the noise inside the club. Still sticky with sweat, Saif's skin prickled with goosebumps the moment they stepped out into the cold air. With their jackets in hand and stumbling along the sidewalk; the blonde turned and looked expectantly at Saif.

She raised her eyebrow as he stayed mute. "Well," she said drawling her words drunkenly, "I would really like to start my new year with a bang." She watched as Saif clenched his jaw, assuming he was aroused she sidled up to him clumsily and placed her palms on his chest, "Your place or mine?"

She reeked of sweat, smoke, and alcohol; and it made Saif's head spin. Taking his silence as an acquiesce, she quickly ordered an Uber. With clumsy movements, she wrapped her arms around His neck, pulling him closer. As he followed her movements, he couldn't help but study her face. The almost white blonde hair that was dark at the roots. The mascara that clumped on her lashes. The lipstick that was almost rubbed off.

The end of the night was unkind to her and her looks. He turned his head to the side and felt her lips pressed against his cheeks. He could feel her trailing kisses on his jaw and his neck. And he swallowed hard as he squeezed his eyes shut. The next thing he realized was that she was pulling him towards a car and almost shoved him in.

Getting in the car, she climbed on his lap and started leaving open mouthed kisses on his skin as she let her hands travel all over his body. It should have felt sensuous, he should have felt arousal but all he felt was nauseated. He tried to squeeze his eyes shut and the photo on the front page of the newspaper flashed behind his eyelids.

It felt like hours but it was a 20 minute ride when the car stopped in front of a row of flats. Saif watched in silence as she quickly pressed some buttons on her phone, before she started pushing him out of the car. When they were both out of the car, she grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the door.

She fumbled with the keys, but quickly got the door open. She yanked him up, her urgency to get to her home apparent in all her movements. As they walked up the stairs, Saif started feeling like the walls of the stairway was closing in on him. His head started to spin and the need to vomit was growing. As they stopped at her door, she pushed Saif against the wall and started kissing him again.

A sob escaped him and he quickly shoved the blonde off him as he ran down the stairs. He could hear her voice ringing behind him as she cussed him out. He burst through the main door and doubled over as he breathed roughly. He could feel the bile rising but he kept taking in open mouthed deep breaths.

Saif stood up, with his hands on his hips as he looked to the sky trying to control the emotions that were bubbling so close to the surface. He rubbed his eyes again and there was moisture under his fingertips. He closed his eyes again and the photo flashed in front of his eyes again.

Saif ran to the bushes that adorned the edges of the garden and expelled the contents of his stomach. He continued vomiting until there was nothing left and he dry heaved. He had snot and tears running down his face as he sobbed. He braced himself on his knees as he sobbed over his helplessness.

He didn't even realise that there was someone rubbing his back, trying to ease his discomfort. It was that random act of kindness that broke something inside of him and he felt his legs give way. Saif sobbed as the stranger held him in strong arms as he completely broke down from the inside out.