Heaven From Here

twelve

As my soul heals the shame

I will grow through this pain

Better Man, Robbie Williams

"Sit," came Awad Sahab's curt command once all three of them were in the living room.

Hanna and Saif sat down on the three-seater couch, each at one end. They sat silently facing Awad Sahab as the chatter and the smiles from earlier faded into tension. Hanna could feel her shoulders stiffen up; she felt like she was 16 again, about to get a dressing down from her father. Clutching her fingers tightly she waited for her father to speak.

"Did the two of you kiss?" her father asked harshly, and her mouth dropped open. What the hell is he on about?, Hanna thought her heart thudding thunderously in her chest.

"That day, when I asked you two to meet; did you kiss?" She heard Bilal Sahab say harshly as he looked at Saif. Hanna tried to breathe but ended up gasping as she saw Saif lower his gaze and avert eye contact.

"Both of you have betrayed my trust," Bilal Sahab said a catch in his voice as he quickly stood up and headed to his room.

"Saif, what the hell is Baba talking about? When did we ever kiss?" Hanna asked shakily, breaking the tense silence that settled upon them when Bilal Sahab left the living room.

Saif whipped his head and stared at Hanna with wide eyes. "What?" he exhaled harshly.

"What do you mean 'what?'?!," Hanna shrieked, "When did we ever kiss, Saif? Because we didn't...we never have!"

"That day...at the bus stop..." Saif said, as he swallowed thickly, he blinked looking at Hanna.

"That day what, Saif? I...I...held your cheek...I...I...wanted to comfort you...but I never kissed you...That...that is why you kept quiet when Baba asked? You thought that we had kissed?!" Hanna said panicking, her breaths coming out shallow.

"But you did Hanna! You kissed me!" Saif bellowed, as he shot up from the couch. "I felt it...," he continued brokenly as he looked away.

"I wanted to comfort you Saif, you...you looked so sad...I...I held your cheek...that was it," Hanna said as a sob broke tore through her. "I didn't kiss you. I really didn't. I would remember my first kiss."

Saif looked away, there was an ache in his chest. He knew he felt it, he felt something that day as he knelt before her but, was she telling the truth? Could he trust that she was actually telling him the truth?

"You have no idea how guilty I have been feeling that I touched you that day," Hanna said as tears leaked through her eyes, "that I actually touched a someone who wasn't my mahram..."

That ache intensified in Saif's chest, "Then why did you do it?" he asked with gritted teeth.

"I...I...I felt sorry for you. You looked sad, I felt sorry for you," Hanna whispered through her tears.

Saif closed his eyes, as he turned away walking towards the door. "Saif," he heard Hanna call him pleadingly. She was imploring him to turn around, to look at her by just saying his name. He paused, his back still to her, "I don't think I can have any kind of relationship with someone who pities me, Hanna. Not even you."

"What? No...," Hanna said bewildered.

"No? Then what the fuck does 'feeling sorry for me' mean?" Saif turned around to face Hanna, anger evident in every line of his body.