Heaven From Here

four

I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me

This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy

Someone You Loved, Lewis Capaldi

Hanna paused as she recognised the silhouette sitting in the café. Head bent down, thumb scrolling away on the phone; she paused a few metres away. She wasn't even sure what she was doing here, what the hell has Baba got me into?, she wondered. She took a deep breath approached the table.

"Hi," she said awkwardly her hands clutching the chair nervously as she waited for a response. She watched as he stiffened, and his movements become somewhat robotic. Hanna pressed her lips together in a stiff line and forced out a smile.

"'Slamlaikum," he said stiffly instead as he raised his eyes to meet her green-hazel eyes. She watched the muscles in his jaw move as he clenched and unclenched his jaw. He extended his hand and gestured toward the chair, silently asking her to sit. They sat in tense silence, as they looked anywhere but at each other. Hanna sighed deeply, thinking of getting it done with quickly. Like ripping off a bloody bandaid.

"So, Baba wants to see us married," she said blankly. She didn't let it show how much all this unnerved her. Her heart was racing, and her palms were beginning to feel a bit clammy. Hanna could see him stiffen up even more at her statement. Anymore and he'll be a proper statue, she thought.

"Look Saif, I'm sure you're a decent bloke. But, but...I am not ready for marriage. I haven't even started work yet. I'm only 24 this year, and...and...," she swallowed, feeling a sinking in the pit of her stomach as she said the words that were rattling in her head the moment her Baba told her his wishes.

She watched as Saif smiled a tight smile. He shook his head lightly and he ran his hand through his shoulder length hair and rubbed the scruff at his jaw. The desire to run her hand over Saif's jaw; to feel the scruff under her fingertips felt like a sucker punch to the gut and left her rattled. She frowned and fisted her hand under the tables, the crescents of her nails digging into the flesh of her palm as she wondered; What the fuck is wrong with me? Her heart pounded as she waited for Saif to say something.

"I...I am not, by any definitions a 'decent guy," Saif swallowed as he looked at Hanna. "There is no way possible that Awad Sahab, was serious," He said as he looked away.

"What makes you think that Baba wasn't serious? And what do you mean that you aren't decent?" Hanna asked tentatively. "Having tattoos, doesn't make you a bad guy," she continued slowly.

"How did you...," Saif swallowed, shock evident on his face. "Did Awad Sahab...," he trailed when he saw Hanna shake her head.

"No, I kinda caught a peek that day at home. Urmmm...you were stretching out to pick up the tea cup, and I sorta saw them," she said in a soft, calm manner.

Hanna watched as she watched Saif huff a breath and scrunch his eyes shut. He seemed genuinely upset that she had seen his tattoos. Even though it was just a little peek.

"The tattoos are just the tip of the iceberg," he said tightly as he looked at her. "I've done bad things, horrible things even. Let's not forget the multiple relationships. The night that I met Bilal Sahab, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He found me throwing up my guts as I sobbed by the side of the road like a fuckin' pussy."

"I was a completely different person at that time Hanna. And because of that I know that I am not good enough for someone like you," he said darkly as he glared at his past in the distance.

"What in the world does 'someone like me' even mean?' Hanna asked, taken aback by his sudden proclamation.

"Someone....someone who is good, who is kind, who is incredibly intelligent...and beautiful, and pure..." Saif trailed as his drilled holes into the wall behind her.

"Saif, you barely know me to say that about me," Hanna said slowly, never betraying the fact that her heart was beating at an alarming rate in her chest. "I...I'm not your Awad Sahab's perfect little girl..." Hanna trailed.

Saif let out a short bark of a laugh that sounded harsh to her ears and she winced. "What's the worst thing you've done, Hanna? Give it your best shot," Saif said challenging her. Hanna blinked furiously, speechless all of the sudden as words escaped her.

"What was it? You forgot to pay for a parking ticket? Or you – "

"I desperately want to go clubbing," Hanna blurted. "I...I want to try weed, I want to know what it feels like to be as high as a kite.... I want to see the red light district in Amsterdam, go to a strip club. I mean I've always wondered if it really is like in the movies..."she trailed as she took in Saif's somewhat amused expression.

"I know that not one of these things fall into the 'worst things I've done' category. But its...I...," she swallowed, "I just wanted you to know that I'm not perfect...the way I look, how I dress, or whose daughter I am isn't a measure of how good I am as a person," Hanna said and she knew she struck a chord with him as she saw his eyes widen a fraction.

"It's all about the intention that we have, what is our niyyah? Why are we doing the things we do? And after all that, if we've still done something wrong or sinned – the most important question would be: do you feel guilty over whatever it was? And will you repent it?" Hanna forged on, leaning forward. "It goes without saying that if we truly repent; Allah swt, He will forgive."

Saif smirked faintly, "Why does it sound like you are trying to convince me to say 'yes' to this? To say 'yes' to our marriage?"

Hanna sat back in shock, her mouth parted but the words were not there. She felt her face grow warm as the meaning of the words Saif uttered sank into the mind. She had to ask herself and be truthful about it; did she want to marry Saif? More importantly, does she want Saif to want her?