If Love Could Be The Cure We Need - A MakoHaru Medical AU

Chapter 32: Worst Day Of My Life

Makoto Tachibana

Memories.

That's one thing I have, vivid memories of yesterday evening. Or as clear as they can get; some of them complete and some of them a little blurry or only sounds without imagery.

I remember Rin lying on his back in the grass, mud and blood spread over his entire face. I'm sure they had to throw his scarf away, because it was bloody and muddy as well.

I can still see his eyes looking at me when he gained conscious again, but just for a second. He looked tired and I'm not even sure he saw me, because it was like he looked straight through me. And he when he slipped away again, his eyes turned away and his eyelids closed him off from the world again.

I must've pasted out after they carried Rin away, because I don't remember anything that happened in between them rushing him to the medical building and me waking up in my room at nine in the morning.

I missed breakfast, slept through it, and I can feel that. My stomach is hurting, but it could also be the nerves. I don't feel hungry at all, kind of nauseated if you'd ask me, but my stomach keeps growling.

My world spins for a few seconds while I get out of bed and slide into my fluffy slippers. I don't remember putting them beside my bed so I could slide right into them when I wake up, because they normally lay somewhere on the other side of the room. And I have no idea when I put on my pajamas and neatly laid my glasses on my nightstand instead of just falling asleep in my normal clothes and with my glasses still on my face like usually when I've had a tiring evening.

And yesterday night was a tiring evening if I've ever heard of one.

I get on my feet, because Rin's the main thing I'm thinking about. It's taking up most of my thoughts and all I can do is get up on my feet and walk out of my room and take the first turn to the left.

All the way through my hallway, down the stairs and over the field is the quickest way to the medical building, and I'm positive that's where they'll be keeping Rin for the moment. I don't walk past the breakfast hall to ask if I can get a little food since I missed breakfast this morning, but instead I take a straight turn to the medical building where to open doors welcome me.

It smells the same as always, like antibiotics and disinfectants, but it's mixed with the scent of rain coming from outside. It's pouring and I'm completely soaked, even though I only walked a little while to get from the boys' dorms to the medical building.

There aren't many rooms I have to talk past before I find Rin's full name written on the nametag on one of the doors. It's one of the only hospital rooms that are actually taken, because most people aren't that sick that they have to spend time in a hospital room. It's only when you're not able to care for yourself and therefore need around the clock care that you have to spend all your time in a hospital bed away from your friends.

I breathe in slowly until I've filled my lungs up with air, trying to find the courage to go inside. I don't know how many people are inside, or how Rin will be doing right now, but if he has a hospital room of his own it means he's still alive. Which means I have to see him.

I lay my hand on the doorknob when I hear a voice talking. It's a familiar voice, doctor Daiki's to be more specific, and he's explaining things about Rin's state.

"Rin was suffering from a rather hard to treat lung infection before the incident," he tells someone, probably Rin's mother. "It worsened after Makoto kicked him against the chest a while ago."

I gasp; I didn't... I mean, I couldn't have kicked Rin.

I don't remember doing something like that, and I know I would never kick Rin in the chest knowing how badly that could affect him lungs. It could kill him if I kicked him too hard, so I know better than just kicking him.

My world starts spinning and doctor Daiki's voice seems to be getting further way, almost a zoom like a buzzing bee in the back of my head.

My hand tightens around the doorknob and I feel like kicking the door. But I shouldn't kick anything at all, because if I do that bad things will happen, that much I know now after what happened to Rin.

I let out an anger groan and without thinking I storm into the room. The air inside feels heavy, or maybe it's just my imagination.

"Are you saying this is all my fault?" I yell as I take a step further into the room.

I glare into doctor Daiki's shocked eyes first, he's staring back at me with confusement written all over his face. My gaze moves past the filled room, there are many people here to visit Rin; his mother and younger sister, who I recognize from the pictures in Rin's room.

There's another familiar face staring at me in confusement; Sousuke came too. Of course he came all the way here to see Rin, he's his boyfriend. His hand is wrapped tightly around Rin's and when he hears me barging inside he looks up at me.

His eyes meet mine for a split second, but I immediately look away, because I'm sure he's furious with me for kicking Rin so hard that I nearly send him to the grave. No matter how good of a friendship we might've had in the time we spend here together, he'll probably never be able forgive me for almost killing Rin.

But it's when my gaze meets Rin's sleeping body that all the calm I still had somewhere deep in me leaves my body completely.

Rin looks terrible, maybe even worse than last night. He's no pale, it's almost as if I'm staring at a corpse, and for a moment I'm even sure that I might've just walked into the morgue instead of a hospital room. The only thing that keeps me from thinking that Rin's actually a corpse is the heart monitor, reassuring me that his heart's still beating.

And he's breathing, there's no way he isn't, because there's a tube literally entering his windpipe through a painful-looking gap in his neck. I almost throw up when I see the large filter connected to a thick tube moving into Rin's windpipe, knowing Rin won't ever forgive me for hurting him so badly that he had to undergo this kind of surgery.

A hand on my shoulder startles me and I immediately turn around to see who's squeezing my shoulder lightly. It's doctor Daiki, and his eyes are as calm-looking as always. It makes me mad, because there's no need to be calm or smile at me like nothing's going on.

"Makoto," he says, in an even calmer voice. "Trust me when I say that none of this is your fault." He pauses, I knock his hand off my shoulder in anger. "It's okay. Just calm down and let me explain what happened, okay?"

I stumble back and shake my head, the back of my leg hits the bed of Rin pretty bad it causes the bed to shake and Rin lets out a quiet, hoarse cough.

All I can do is make things worse! I tell myself and I feel how I start to cry. I can't do anything right! Nothing at all!

I press myself past doctor Daiki, pushing him over in my way out of the room. As soon as I step out of the room I start running as hard as I can.

All I can is making mistakes!

I run over the field, towards the forest.

I just stood by and watched when Rin nearly died!

I reach the forest and even though I'm out of breath I keep running.

I can't remember anything!

I trip over something, falling to the ground and scraping my knees. I sit on the ground, covered in mud and unable to get my body to stand back up again.

I look up at the sky and a sob escapes from my mouth as I yell, "I'm a mistake!"

I hit the tree standing closest to me until my knuckles are bleeding.

"I should've never been born!"

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Next Chapter: 
A med sensor's going off in the woods while Haruka's on his way to visit Rin... SHIT!