If Love Could Be The Cure We Need - A MakoHaru Medical AU

Chapter 19: I Wish You Were Gay

Haruka Nanase

I'm warm, my blood is probably boiling at this point. I just told Makoto what my feelings are, how I've been feeling ever since we met again.

There's no immediate reply, actually there's still no reply by the time the Ferris Wheel starts moving again. Makoto just sits there with his mouth slightly opened and his eyes fixated on mine.

I can't look away, my eyes are locked with his, even though I would love to look away now that there's this long awkward silence.

The mood has changed completely, but I don't know if that's right or wrong. Right now, I don't know anything.

His eyes are big and full of confusement, but eventually he smiles. He smiles wide and at the same time he blushes. His eyes are closed when he tells me that he doesn't mind.

My heart makes a jump, but my brain is still processing all of this. My thoughts are throwing a million different questions at me, but I have no answers.

I stare at Makoto as he opens his eyes again and his smile suddenly fades away. His cheeks are still slightly pink, but he's eyes seem more sad than confused.

I'm about to say something, anything, just because I want to break the silence. But Makoto is first, because after he turns away and I'm looking to the side of his head he says, "But I can't."

I gaps. All of a sudden my mouth seems dryer than before and my breath is shaking heavily while I await more answers to my unasked questions.

Why can't he? Doesn't he want to? Or is there something else?

Makoto swallows audibly. "I'm sorry, but I cannot love you in that way." He pauses, his gaze moves back to me but doesn't meet my eyes. "I'm afraid that I'll hurt you. I-I just... I can't do that."

I look down to my lap. I don't get it, but at the same time I do; Makoto is afraid that the same will happen to us as what happened with Rin and his boyfriend. I get that, but his words still sting. They hurt while they cut into my heart.

"I'm sorry, Haruka," he repeats.

His hand reaches out for mine, but I pull away before he can even get to me. He says he doesn't want to hurt me, but hearing that hurts even more than it did when I was diagnosed with this stupid terminal disease.

Thinking about it, if it wasn't for our illnesses we could be closer than just friends. Or maybe it isn't that he's sick, maybe he just doesn't think of me that way. But in that case he shouldn't be saying that he can't because he doesn't want to hurt me.

I look away, shutting my mouth while I try to accept the rejectment.

Makoto says a few other things, but his speech is turned down by my racing thoughts.

We're down to the ground again and as soon as the little gate opens I storm out of the little cabinet. Instead of going to Nagisa and Rei, I walk straight past them; I need some alone time. I walk to the place where everyone's supposed to meet in ten minutes. I'm the first one, but I don't care about that. The opposite, I actually find it calming to be alone for just a few minutes.

I've got enough of the fun and cheerfulness and loud music. My ears are pumping, my cheeks are burning and my heart is racing so badly I'm surprised my med sensor hasn't gone off yet.

I'm not mad, or sad; just a little confused, or maybe disappointed at most. I can't help my feelings, because even when Makoto finds me sitting on the ground ten minutes later I feel the butterflies in my stomach.

Makoto can say what he wants, he can reject me or maybe even avoid me from now on, but I can't get my heart to stop skipping when he's near; I can't tell my heart not to fall for him, because everything about him makes me feel lightheaded.

I avoid Makoto on the bus ride home and the rest of the afternoon, because I don't want to give him the option to avoid me instead.

And when I drop myself onto my bed that evening, all I can think about is how I messed up. I couldn't have found a worse moment to tell him about my feelings, how could I think that is was the right time.

I shake my head while I sigh in my pillow.

It isn't my fault, not his either. If we both just could've been healthy... that way he wouldn't have had a reason to shatter my heart.

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This was another short one... sorry about that... I'll be posting a second one today as well 

Love, Noa <3

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Next Chapter: 

Makoto gets bad news... shit!