Still with you

Chapter 1: Moonchild

Chapter 1: Moonchild.

I am 13 years old, my name is JungKook and I am desperate. Today I have just been eliminated from the Superstar K3 show. It's a prime-time show that hits the news in Korea. But, my dream has just collapsed and I am about to cry. Backstage, my parents join and hug me. They always supported me and let me choose what I wanted to do. I am lucky to have grown up in this family, I know that very well.

I come from Busan, a port in South Korea. I have an older brother and a dog. For a long time I had no idea what I wanted to do in my life. I did what I liked, without thinking any further. I don't like school. I don't want to participate in this masquerade to be the best at school. I don't work very much. My grades are usually bad but my parents don't put any pressure on me. They say they trust me and I will find my path. I once cheated for an interro at school and got caught. For the first time my mother really yelled at me. She was angry and so was my father. But most of all, she was sad that I turned away from the right path. She asked me not to do it again. She said the grades didn't matter to her, as long as I did something I liked. In my country, it is not so common to hear parents giving this speech to their children. I am infinitely grateful to them because I don't feel too much pressure at home.

I have fun in sports, arts, music, drawing. I get excellent grades in these disciplines. My teachers are proud of me and encourage me. I feel so well in a stadium or when it comes to creating something with my hands. Besides I have a taekwondo black belt and I am very good at badminton. For a while, I wanted to become a professional player.

My parents say I am young and have time to experiment. That's why I came to Seoul for this show. I was terrified. And then I found stronger than me.

It's like a slap in my face. I feel completely lost, like a boxer who loose. My dream is falling apart. I wanted to sing. Music had become my reason for living.

How ? I remember that moment that changed my life, when everything seemed to light up, in front of me. I watched music videos on TV with my brother and all in a sudden it was G Dragon with his song Heartbreaker. Something happened in my body and in my head. I was warn all of a sudden, I wanted to get up and do like him. Yet I was motionless, captivated by his rap, his presence on screen, his way of dancing. I watched, I do not know how many times, this video, I learned the lyrics, I tried to imitate his gestures in front of the bathroom mirror. I was hooked. Like a door that opens on the path I've been looking for for a while.

So I took singing lessons. I also learned break dance at school and B-boying in a club with friends. I loved this time. I was feeling fine. My parents welcomed my new passion. My mother offered to register for the auditions for the show and I said yes. However, things quickly changed once we arrived in Seoul. It was so big. Everyone who wants to succeed comes here. I ended up with a lot of guys and girls who sang very well and I felt terrible. In Busan, I wasn't bad. In Seoul, I was one among many apprentice singers. I started to feel this pressure, this stress that eats up our society. It made me so, so miserable. I just wasn't up to it. I was eliminated and now we have to go back to Busan.

I'm so ashamed ! How could I believe that ? I'm nothing. I was not prepared. It was all so new, huge. On the show, I was told to keep training, that I was really very young and that I should not give up. They tell that to every loosers, don't they ? To all those they reject. Now, in my mother's arms, backstage, I cry like a baby, humiliation and rage.

I have to find another reason to live, something to hold on to and that I will be really good at. But what ? I can't think. I want to break everything. I know I look shy and puny but I have a tiger in me, and right now it wants to eat everyone. Everyone except Mom. Only her can comfort me, soothe me, give warmth to my heart. I hug her back, my body shaken with sobs, and hide my face dripping down her neck.