Still with you

Chapter 19 : I need you

Chapter 19 : I need you.

D-Day. We're ready, we've rehearsed dozens of times to leave nothing to chance. So we fly to Hong Kong for two days.

I'm super excited to get back on stage. I feel much better physically. My tiger seems to be back. Stage always has a galvanizing effect on me. It's just my place. I like it, effort, physical sensations, fan's screams, smiles, tears, this feeling of invincibility they give me.

Stage is the only place where I know exactly what to do. Everything is millimetered. There is no surprise. It's so reassuring. I'm a little nervous, but most of all, I can't wait to be there.

Plus, we're going to meet other groups, we who never see anyone, not even our families. We rehearse on the gala stage with lights and costumes. It's all ok. I feel confident. We meet femal Idols 's groups, we can also attend their rehearsal. I can't take my eyes off them. I'm hot. They are so pretty, thin and smiling.

With my bandmates, I feel a little better. Weeks have passed and I think I have digested the argument I had with Jimin. More and more times we joke together, especially when Tae is with us. We're reconnecting. I feel more soothed.

For hotel rooms, we played rock, paper, chisel. Tae, Jimin and I lost. So we'll sleep in the same room. Tae is very happy. He doesn't seem nervous. He's in a good time, I'm happy because sometimes he sinks into a sadness that I don't understand. Even though I have learned to recognize these moments, it pains me. Then we have to leave him alone. But it can last several days. Jimin, he's anxious. His perfectionism doesn't let him down. He rehearses over and over again, even at the hotel. I wonder where this need comes from. He's already excellent. He's already perfect.

After the last rehearsal on stage, we go back to the hotel. Nam Joon reminds us that we have to sleep, so we don't play any games. We all nod. He shares his room with Jin and Hoseok with Yoongi.

After the meal, at the hotel, everyone returns to their own room. Tae suggests that we watch a movie to relax before sleep. Fortunately, he doesn't think about porn. We choose an American romantic comedy, something nice. We each sit on our bed facing the flat tv screen on the opposite wall. I feel a gentle torpor enveloping me.

Jimin falls asleep in the first half hour. I feel relaxed, the story is nice, even if very predictable, as often with American movies. But I like American romances because they are more explicit than Korean ones. Actors have real kisses, with tongue, and some scenes are very erotic. At least for me. I am completely caught up in this love story. The lead actress is really very pretty. But I don't know her name.

A scene upsets me a lot. The boy lifts the girl in his arms and supports her under her butt for a big deep kiss. There are butterflies in my belly. It must be so great to be able to do that... with someone you love. A little later, things have evolved between the two protagonists and they make love.

It's beautiful, tender and sweet. I study how this scene is filmed. Camera, lights. Their faces are ecstatic. I can feel their shared pleasure. I can feel that they love each other more than anything. Paradoxically, it makes me a little sad because I've never experienced that. And I don't know when that's going to be possible. Not even if it's going to be possible. I sigh with spite. Tomorrow, we will rub shoulders with a lot of young girls but we will surely not have time to talk to them for more than thirty seconds. So how to be able to find a girlfriend ?

It is over. In the dark, I see Tae straightening up on his bed. Jimin still sleeps, so Tae speaks low :

-I hope that one day I will have the chance to live a beautiful story like this.