Still with you

Chapter 12 : Waterfalls

Chapter 12 : Waterfalls.

When we go back to Korea, I still feel nauseous. We will perform in Hong Kong on August 29. So we have two weeks off. Although I already understood that there is no real break for us. Indeed, we will release the rest of our trilogy : The most beautiful moment in life, part 2. Our rappers work hard on it. I barely see Nam Joon in our room at night, he works very late with the producers. Our new track is called Run, we shoot a great music video for this awesome song. In fact, it ranked 171st in the US Billboard 200.

Definitely, Americans fans seem to really like us. It's like a kid's dream, conquering America ! We feel their enthusiasm during our tour. They're very demonstrative. It was so exciting and new, for us, for me. Unfortunately, I don't understand English, so I am not able to really enjoy all the excitement around us there. However Nam Joon, one evening, translated to me the article of one of the journalists of the Billboards. Jeff Benjamin says that our concert has a very high quality because of our choreographies and our voices. He adds that we seemed to have a lot of fun, to be more relaxed, which made the show even more enjoyable. Nam Joon tells me that it's important to be rigorous on stage but that fans also like to see us having fun, laughing, being cool. I understand what he means. It is true that we are now used to be on stage, so we feel more confortable. It's very nice for our fans to see us like this. I keep this in a corner of my mind. If I want to give Armys more, I have to work on that, too. There are times during shows when we can let go a little bit, talk sincerely to the audience, communicate with them. I will try to remember that.

In short, I spend my rare free time alone in my room in our new apartment because Nam Joon, Yoongi and Hoseok work. I like being alone. I try to reflect on myself, to understand what is happening to us, but it is difficult. Sometimes Jin invites me to come and see a movie with him in his room. Often, like Yoongi, I fall asleep before the end. Jin often asks me how I'm doing. I say I'm fine.

Yet this is not true. Nausea didn't leave me for days. I stay alone. I say that I am tired. But I am lying. During rehearsals and shoots, I try to be professional. I like it so it's not really a big effort.

But when we are done, depression falls on me, relentlessly. I can't talk about what's bothering me. What can I say ? That I'm so insignificant that my friends have sex right next to me, without any embarrassment ? That it disgusts me ? That I don't understand what's going on between them ? Jimin said it's none of my business ??!! What am I supposed to do ? I'm sick of it. Besides, I don't know who I could talk to about it. Everyone has enough stress to deal with, fatigue. I don't want to be the whining baby. No, I realize after a few days that I need to talk to Jimin and Tae. It scares me a lot. I feel like throwing up. Should I talk to them separately ? Or together ? Are they going to make fun of me ? Telling me to mind my own business ? I'm scared. But we have to do it. Otherwise, I will not be able to continue. They have to respect me, they have to realize that I exist !!! I have to make them understand that what they are doing hurts me. I spend a few bad nights trying to find my words. It's really hard for me. My throat hurts when I get up. In fact, I don't think I will be able to talk to them. I cry with rage in the shower.

Finally, I have the opportunity to do it. I have to be strong. I can't bear this situation anymore. I feel like I'm disintegrating, disappearing in their eyes. One night we finished rehearsals a little earlier, Tae says he wants to play video games in their room, Jimin agrees. They offer me to come. And I say yes. I try my best to look cool. They seem super happy, they kindly pet my back. I have noticed that they have been trying, for a week, to include me in their jokes and games. But I feign fatigue more often than not. So they invite me to come and play in their room while Hoseok works with Nam Joon. I'm going to try to talk to them. I have to.