Still with you

Chapter 11 : Persona

Chapter 11 : Persona.

Our first tour goes on, we visit the Philippines, Singapore and Thailand at the end of 2014. It's like a wave taking us away, a whirlwind. Euphoria often overwhelms us. Our dream comes true, we are on stage, we meet our fans, who always seem enthusiastic. We put all our energy into the shows. I enjoy each second of them. Some nights I can barely sleep because I can't wait to go back on stage. That's where I'm happy, where I really exist.

Off stage, it's all different. I gathered my courage to ask Hoseok and Nam Joon to share their room, at the hotel. Nam Joon immediately thought it was a good idea that the three younger of us did not sleep together. Hoseok nodded and winked at me. However, after a few days, he began to grumble. Nam Joon is really messy, but according to Hoseok, I'm worse than him. He threatened to kick us out if we didn't clean the room. So we do some effort. I don't want Hoseok to be mad at me. But when he doesn't look at me, I hide his stuff. I don't know why, but I can't help it. Maybe to prove to me that I'm not so smooth, so wise...

During concerts I am super focused but also curious. I try to have a better look at Armys, at least at the front rows. I joked at the beginning of a concert that no matter how old they were, I was certainly the youngest, but I'm not sure. I've seen a lot of pretty girls. Some of them sent me kisses. When we are on stage, we dominate them, they seem to love us so much. It's a so huge feeling !! They wave in rhythm and I saw their breasts bouncing in front of my eyes. Hoseok joked about it backstage, reminding us to enjoy the plunging view we had on the fans's breasts.

When shows are over, I feel drained, excited, sad, invincible and weak. What a bubbling of emotions ! Fortunately, I'm not the only one to feel like that. My friends also go through several feelings right after the shows. Only Yoongi seems unflappable. Jin, Jimin and Tae are often in tears. Nam Joon and Hoseok are often frustrated that they didn't do better. Like I said, emotions are bubbling in me, but I'm not saying much because I don't know how to express myself. I can't find the words. I have nothing interesting to share. So I just stay calm, eating. I try to smile. I feel like if one of us really cracks, we're not going to get up again. So I silence my feelings. I feel like I'm wearing a mask.

When you return to Korea after Bangkok, it's Tae's birthday. We celebrate it at the dorm. As for my birthday, our director nicely invited Tae's family, his parents, his little brother and his little sister. This is the second time we meet them. It's funny to see my friend with his brother and sister. He is the oldest of the three, and yet he seems the youngest, with his quirky and ingenuous mind. He was a little sad after the last concert because his voice was a bit scratchy but now he seems really happy. I relax a little, I try to be myself for once. We have a great time, then Tae and his family go to spend the night at the hotel. I'm sad that he's leaving all of a sudden.

I don't like it when you're not all together. We clean the mess before going to bed. I grumble about Yoongi who took one of my boxer again. Hoseok teases Jimin about his size, once again. As usual, it ends in a fight on the beds. I hear myself laughing, a real laugh. It's been a long time.

But it doen't last long. We get back to work quickly : our new album and rehearsals for the rest of the tour. Our mini album will be out next spring, it's called, The most beautiful moment in life, part 1. The lead track is "I need you Girl". Yoongi composed a beautiful melody on the piano and our three rappers wrote the lyrics. Especially Nam Joon as usual. He repeats that it is hard to write a love song when he has no one in his life. So he wrote a sad song. I hope fans will love it, at least I love to sing it. I would love to have a girlfriend, to live a love story, even if it must end badly. At least live something.