Still with you

Chapter 21 : Friends

Chapter 21 : Friends.

We don't really have time to focus on our feelings because at the end of January we will perform for our second Muster in Seoul. Passion is back. We rehearse ten to twelve hours a day to get ready. I'm nervous. I hide my stress from my brothers so as not to add to theirs, but my stress does not calm down. Nine thousand Armys come to party with us, we give them everything, as always. I let go on Baepsae because I love this song and its choreography. Fans are asking for more. It's so exciting to feel wanted. We also play games because fans also like to see us playing the fools. Nam Joon and Jin have to reproduce the choreography of our songs chosen by the speaker, it's too funny to wacht them. I realize how good is Jin's memory, even if it is always difficult for him to learn new choreographies. He really seems to have fun. He seems to be okay. But I know exactly how he feels. Nam Joon tries to show him his support but Jin remains focus on work. I tried to get closer to Jimin too, who seems to avoid me, but in vain. He seems to be okay, but I know something is going wrong. I watch him laugh with Tae, dance in front of me on stage. He's so handsome with his orange hair.

After this show, we go on on a very busy schedule since next may the last part of our trilogy: The Most Beautiful Moment in Life: Young Forever, will be out. Our tour will continue until August. So we're back on stage, May 7, in Seoul. Seeing fans galvanizes me. Again and again, I experience this obviousness : on stage, I'm at home. Fans give us lots of love. They always make me want to do better. And, for the first time in three years of performing, Yoongi cried at the end of the concert. He moved me a lot. I'm always scared when my older brother crack down. I feel like we're all going to sink.

In addition to these deadlines, we continue to shoot episodes of RUN BTS. It adds to our already full schedule, but this short moments allow us to breathe a little and find ourselves in a more relaxed context, to strengthen our ties. Personally I like it because we play games, we have fun and then, there is competition and I love it. I can compete against my brothers in all kinds of trials and enjoy winning. We need these moments because rehearsals are sometimes very hard. Stress, fatigue, pressure are difficult to bear and arguments are frequent.

One day, after dance practice, I decide to have a discussion with Jimin. We can't go on like this. Our relationship is fading, it makes me uncomfortable. I wait for him in the locker room because he is the last, as always. He drives me crazy, to be so slow, but now it suits me because the others are already gone. I close my bag while he finishes laceing his shoes. It's really not easy for me, but I try my best :

-Jimin ?... Can we talk ?

-Yes Jungkook, what's going on ?

-Well, you know... You avoid me... You're not like you used to be...

-Oh, yes ? I don't know what you are talking about. I'm still nice to you.

-Yes but we ... we're not that close anymore...

I can clearly hear him sighing. It doesn't make me feel any better.

-What do you want Jungkook ? What do you want from me ?

-??? .... Well I don't know... I want you to be close... to me, ... I mean...like before...

I'm lost. What exactly do I want ?

-Like before Jungkook ? What does it mean for you ? When we kissed and caressed each other ? Or when I took care of you, like my little brother ??

I feel he's getting annoyed. His anger is old. I was right.

-.... Both.

-And then Jungkook ? You want sex, don't you ?

He straightened up, fists on his hips. His eyes go darker. Although he is smaller than me, he impresses me a lot. I want to answer, but nothing comes out. I frown, I completely lose my means, in front of him. It's always the same. He has such power over me.