Still with you

Chapter 29 : Don't leave me.

Chapter 29 : Don't leave me.

I decide to celebrate my birthday by inviting my brothers to the restaurant. I'm 20 years old now. I want to act like an adult, I want to make them happy. Luckily Tae can join us and we have a good night. My older brothers tease a lot but it's okay now, because I feel bigger and stronger. They thank me for my solo Begin which I sing for them, on our Wings tour. They offer me a guitar, I'm thrilled. Jimin also offers me perfume. I really appreciate this attention because I am very sensitive to odors and I realize with pleasure that he chose something good. He's probably the one who knows me best in the band.

Two days later, we perform on stage with the famous Seo Taiji. He is celebrating his 25th birthday of career. It's quite an event, we're all very honored because we admire him a lot. He is the forerunner of the K Pop, he began his career in the early 90s. In fact, last summer, we released a cover of his song Come Back Home, to pay tribute to him.

Rehearsals continue as the tour resumes a month later. It's difficult for Tae who has two schedules to deal with, it's difficult for Hoseok who is increasingly stressed at not being able to release his mixtape this year. I train more than ever in singing. I feel like I can improve myself. I do a lot of covers to practice, fans are very happy and gives me even more confidence. Nam Joon and Yoongi also seem a little anxious because our new album will be out on September 18th.

It will be the beginning of a new trilogy : Love Yourself: Her. The trailer, sung by Jimin, is so beautiful. Armys love it. This is Serendipity. Jimin's voice, his interpretation, Nam Joon's lyrics, everything is amazing. Yet Jimin doesn't feel good. I feel it during pratice, he is not satisfied with his work. I reassure him, show him videos for him to understand how perfect he is, but nothing helps. He wants to change his hair color, but can't make up his mind. He doubts, he says nothing suits him. He cries sometimes. Nothing seems to appease him. He says he sucks, that he has nothing to do with us, that he doesn't like his voice. Our big brothers also try to cheer him up, in vain. I feel bad for him and most of all, I realize that I'm powerless to help him.

Jin train hours and hours, even at night. I admire his determination and measure his progress. I stay with him sometimes, but he says he'd rather be alone, that I'm going too fast for him. He sleeps very little, I am worried about him too. Since Nam Joon's birthday, he has shut up, imperceptibly. He refused to cook his favorite meal when Nam Joon kindly asked him. He said he didn't have time, that he was tired from rehearsals. But, of course, there's something else. Jin has lost hope. He works fourteen hours and tries to sleep the rest of the day. He drowns in training to hide his pain. Nam Joon is blink, as always, and even praises his courage.

We're back on tour, across Asia, just after Jimin's birthday. He didn't want to celebrate his 22th birthday, because he was tired, he said. I am so sad, but we respect his decision, of course. I offer him a beautiful yellow sweatshirt, as he likes. He smiles a little to thank me. The day before our concert in Osaka, Jimin asks me to share his room. He wants us to sleep together. He says it makes him feel better. I'm happy, too. We kiss from time to time, always in secret. But, we have not caressed since the fiasco, in the gym. Jimin asks for nothing but tender hugs, so we sleep tightly entwined that night. I still want him, of course, but I'm afraid. I'm happy to hold him in my arms, I hope to give him strength and confidence that seem to have left him for some time.

Shows are going great. Stage has always transcended Jimin, he radiates, but collapses again at the end. He complains that he wasn't good enough, his voice cracks, a few small mistakes invisible to the fans. I am often a little disappointed with my performances but Jimin gets mad at it. He finds himself too fat again, eats less and less. He doesn't say anything to others, only to me, and makes me promise not to tell them. Even Jin, who always has an eye on us, doesn't notice anything. He seems mostly dreaming or sleeping. No doubt he is very tired, even if he does not let it appear. I do not know what to do, but I would like to help him. To help them.