Still with you

Chapter 5 : Second grade.

Chapter 5 : Second Grade.

We quickly realize that our debutes are not the climax of our training's years but the beginning of something even harder. We were so impatient, that was our goal, but, in fact, it's only a first step. The director told us so ! We still have to convince, even if we are happy with what we showed and the welcome of the fans. Our mini-album, 2Cool 4 Skool will be out soon and we're about to release the second one, O ! RUL8,2 ?

At the end of the year, we are invited to the Melon Music Awards where we receive an award. It's euphoria in the group ! We're the New Artist of the Year. We can't believe it ! It's like a consecration. We do our little dance of joy and tears are not far away, once again. They flow more freely behind the scenes. I'm so happy that our efforts pay. And most of all, seeing Nam Joon exulting, upsets me. His acceptance speech knocks me down. Our leader is our pillar. I'm really happy for him.

We didn't expect to receive this award because we have a lot of detractors in K-Pop industry. We come from a very small, little-known agency, we are the only group in this agency, so some people allow themselves to denigrate us and assure that we will not be able to succeed. That's also why I'm happy and proud of Nam Joon. He always said we will show them all who we are. It starts with that award.

To continue to prove that we will succeed, we resume training like crazy. Nothing has changed, except the new passion that we put in training. Okay, we made a good start, now we have to aim higher, further. Yoongi wants more, his ambition is so strong. Our schedule is exhausting. Sometimes I can barely walk out of the shower. Almost every night, I fall asleep while my older brothers are not yet in bed.

Big Hit organizes a first Fan Meeting for us to meet Armys, as we called our fans. Our director suggested that we write down our feelings so that we could express ourselves more easily during this meeting. It's really very intimidating. All these girls came to see us. It's unbelievable ! Emotion grips us and it's hard to finish reading our letters. I would like to say a lot more to our fans but I have so much trouble putting words on my emotions. I am still so shy. I've written a few lines but they seem derisory to me to really say how upset I am. I end up crying, completely helpless. I wish I could have done better.

Too much things are bubbling in my mind, in my body. My emotions overwhelm me. The lack of my family again, fatigue always, excitement of our debutes, our first award, irritation of living so close of each other, the older ones who talk about sex... and my relationship to Jimin and Tae. What words to say that ? In what order does it have to fit in ?

I torture my mind at nights when I can't sleep. Several more times, Jimin came into my bed. Each time, he stays silent, sticks to me and caresses my belly under my T-shirt. I don't know what to do. I should talk to him about it, probably, or he should talk to me about it, right ? Doesn't he realize the trouble he creates in me ? of the sexual excitment it causes me ? During the day, he is still kind, as a good friend. He takes care of me, calls me his little brother, hugs me to play. He's starting to drive me crazy ! However, he behaves the same way with Tae. Tae is tactile with the two of us as well. It's their way of being, no doubt. Tae also comes to sleep with me quite often. He have nightmares. Jimin offered him a dream catcher to chase them away and Tae was very moved. Sometimes he goes to sleep with Jimin too. But it's not the same thing. I feel like it is not the same thing. I feel really lost.

I never really thought about sex, when I left home. I wanted to succeed. Here, with my older brothers, I have to think about it. I think of some girls I find pretty. In other groups basically because otherwise I do not see many. Girls excite me. Thinking of some plunge me into a big trouble. I would like, one day, to kiss one and caress her hair. Then, I don't know, touch her breasts, kiss them, have sex with her ? I feel terrible, but maybe I could do it. Men do it, don't they ?