Beginner's Luck ▪︎ Dixie D'amelio/You

18. shell

Madison.

I wished I could skip school, but we had a big game out of town soon and I needed to go to practice. Claudia and I went to class silently, my mind already drifting off to other things, much more hurtful things.

I laid my head on my arms and sighed, feeling almost dizzy from all the confusion inside me. Things should be easier, and deep down I think they were, but ironically, complicating things felt safer to me than just going straight to the point. The problem was that avoiding a truth you already know is tiring and hurtful.

"Bad day?" A voice took me from my thoughts. I lifted my head enough to see (Y/N) sit down in front of me. Oh yes, Biology class. Great.

"Something like that." I mumbled, laying my had back down.

"Hey, at least we rocked that assignment." She said, I just nodded, sitting further away from her.

"Are you ok?" The girl beside me asked, I struggle to look at her while avoiding her eyes. I hated to admit it, but her gaze won the battle against mine, and I truly had no strength to look at her.

"Yeah, just tired." I shrugged.

"Are you s..."

"(Y/N), I'm fine." I cut her off, making the girl raise an eyebrow.

"You just look... down." (Y/N) commented softly, ignoring my harshness. I looked into her eyes for a second and felt my chest burn instantly. Tears of desperation filled my eyes, trying to take away the last strength I had to keep them inside me.

I didn't reply. I just got up and asked to be excused because I needed to go to the bathroom. After the teacher excused me, I walked quickly to the restroom, knowing that her confused gaze was following me.

The restroom was empty. I let out a long sigh and looked at myself in the mirror. My face was the same, maybe I looked tired, but I had the same face, same expression, everything seemed so... normal. How come that didn't seem like me anymore? I felt like I was looking at a shell, and what bothered me even more is that it'd been there for a long time, maybe since I've known myself. The shell stared at me, judging me, threatening to break down and show the world the weak person hiding under it.

It was taking my every bit of strength to keep my shell in place. I couldn't handle the person under it, I felt like no one else could. I closed my eyes to avoid myself and felt a stubborn tear run down my face. Burrowing my face in my hands, I let out a sob, and after that, the tears started leaving my eyes freely.

I hated that shell. And I hated having to keep it over me.

Dixie.

The day went by quickly, I was glad it was Friday. All I had to do was go to practice and go home. I was exhausted at that point, we'd been training like crazy because of the big game we had out of town in a couple weeks and, as a captain, I had a lot of responsibility on me.

Practice went so quick that I only got to say hi to (Y/N) by the end. She smiled at me and kissed my cheek.

"Hey, do you not want people to know?" I asked her in a low tone.

(Y/N) raised an eyebrow and chuckled, leaning in and pressing our lips together for a couple seconds. I widened my eyes before closing them, allowing her to kiss me softly.

"Is that better?" She questioned playfully.

"Y... Yes." I replied, a smile still on my face.

"Wanna go out tomorrow?" She asked with a smile.

"Can't stay away from me?" I teased.

"I'm not the one who wanted to be kissed hello." My teammate retorted.

"I didn't ask to be kis..." She stopped me with her lips one more time. At that point, I knew people were looking.

"Do you like watching movies?" (Y/N) asked after we leaned away. I nodded.

"I'll see you tomorrow then. Pick a good movie." She winked, walking away from me.

"What was that about?" A voice took me from my thoughts. I looked to my side and found Claudia.

"Oh yeah, we kissed." I told her.

"I can see that. Are you dating her?" My friend questioned.

"Nah, I don't like her like that." I said.

"Well, be careful, she doesn't seem like the settling down type." Claudia warned me. Why did everyone think I was going to change my mind about her?

"I'm not either." I retorted.

"Ok, then. Are you staying to watch Charli's practice?" My friend asked.

"No, she's going to a friend's today. I'm going home." I explained.

"Ok, I'm going to stay, see if Madison wants to do something after. She's still weird." She told me.

"Did she tell you anything yet?" I asked.

"No, I've never seen her like that, I'll try to at least stay with her until she gets better." Claudia explained.

"Call me if she needs anything, ok?" I said. She nodded and I walked away, going towards my car.

When I got to my car, I found a familiar face standing near it. It was Ashley.

"What are you d..."

"Chill, I just came to give you your sweatshirt back." She cut me off, throwing the piece of clothing in my direction. As I grabbed it, I was reminded of how little ago we had seen each other. I sighed.

"You need to stop calling me." I spoke.

"You come over because you want to." She shrugged, I rolled my eyes.

"You just think of yourself, it's impressing." I said dryly.

"I know I wasn't the best, but I wasn't the only one to fuck up, Dixie." Ashley spoke, I rolled my eyes.

"I never said you were, but I'm not the one chasing you after we both decided that we suck at being together. You're being so selfish." I retorted.

"You wanna talk about being selfish? You only thought about yourself, I don't even know why I even try because you were a an egomaniac idiot and you know it." She said back.

"Egomaniac? I dropped everything for you, and you weren't even kind enough to break up with me before being with someone else!" I retorted.

"Dropped everything? Are you serious? Everything had to be when you wanted, the way you wanted. Don't kid yourself, you're just a selfish control freak." Ashley hissed.

"I..."

"No, Dixie. I may have cheated, but what about the time when you threatened to cheat on me? How is that ok?" She interrupted me, making me quiet for a couple seconds. I gulped, remembering the fight she was talking about. It was such a bad day, I did end up telling her that I could just leave her place and go be with someone who wasn't so fucked up. The second it left my mouth, I realized that wasn't me. Ashley promised to never bring that up again, because I knew that if she did, it would hurt too much. And it did.

"Ashley, I..."

"I'm sick of you acting like I'm the bad guy. You're broken, and until you accept it and stop acting like the perfect little soccer captain, you're no better than me. I'm fucked up, but at least I'm aware of it, you just go around hurting people thinking the issue is away from you. You're the issue Dixie, get fucking over it." She cut me off again, walking away and not letting me say anything else.

I took a deep breath and got inside my car. Still hearing her words inside my head, I laid my forehead against the wheel and squeezed my eyes shut, feeling my heart ache. Ashley knew what to say to hurt me, and I'd learnt how to understand when she was saying things just to be hurtful. But, that time, I knew she meant what she'd said, and that was more painful than if she were actually trying to hurt me. My day was truly ruined.